Being Honest

I've avoided writing because I haven't really wanted to be honest.  I want to be able to say how well I'm doing. I want to be able to say that "I'm getting through this.." What I've really been doing is avoiding the potential for judgement because I'm not where I "should" be on someone else's timeline for grief.

I'm angry.
I hate that I have to be in this place. I hate that my mom isn't here. I hate that I was sick and she wasn't on the other end of the phone just talking to me.  I hate that people are human and say stupid inconsiderate stuff.  I hate that I'm so raw at times that I don't deal with people gracefully.

4 months.  That's how long its been since my mom died.  To some people that seems like a long time.  To other's its "enough" time.  To still others, it's time for me to start moving forward.

To those that would say it's a long time, my response is this: there are moments when a minute seems like an eternity.  It's all about perspective.

To the one's that think it has been "enough" time. I'd like to ask, how do you know? How does one quantify time?  Do you think four months is the adequate amount of time someone should grieve? Or is it that maybe, you've had enough? If that's the case, please don't ask me how I'm doing.  Please don't get mad if I don't talk.  No harm no foul. Just FYI, no amount of time will have been "enough" for me to to get accustomed to my loss.

In regards to moving forward... oh there is much I could say.  I am not stuck.  I'm not wallowing.  This isn't a pity partying I'm having.  I'm hurt. I'm wounded.  I have a gaping hole in my heart that hasn't begun to heal yet.  Please understand, I'm not looking for anyone to fix this.  My mom being taking way to early from this life isn't something that anyone can fix.  The fact that I'm hurting isn't something that can be fixed either.  Grief isn't something I get through or move from.  Grief is a new normal that I have to learn to adapt to.  I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am functioning.  There are days where I hurt.  Sometimes missing my Mom requires me to pause for a while, that's all.  Some of you will understand that, and some of you won't.  That's ok.

I haven't found my new normal yet.  There are days when I have awesome moments.  Moments where I laugh till I cry.  Times when I am joyful.  There are good days.  None of those days or moments in time can soothe the hurt when my mind reminds me that my Mom isn't here to listen to all that I would love to share with her.  In a year, I may be doing better than I am right now.  Then again maybe I won't.  The bottom line is, I just don't know.  The person I was before would apologize for being where I'm at, the person I've become won't do that.

I'm going to attempt to blog every day.  It won't always be pretty.  It may not be pretty for a long time.  The only thing I can promise is that I will be honest.  That's the beauty of the internet though isn't it? If someone doesn't like what I have to say, they don't have to continue reading!

And on that note, on to posting some recent photos I've shot.

I've been bathed in fire..

My favorite photo of that night....

Light and dark