You're going to be okay....that's the title of the book...

It's 1:00a.m. and I'm listening to a song entitled "You'll Be Okay" by A Great Big World.

It would seem that the theme for this evening is that I'm going to be be okay.  My friend Tiffany asked me to hang out with her tonight.  We went to Barnes & Noble and I happened to come across this book entitled "You're Going To Be Okay," written by Holley Gerth.  On a whim I decided to purchase it.  On my way to the checkout the song that started playing was, "You'll Be Okay." Coincidence? Maybe. Special? Absolutely.

See, right now I don't feel it.  Right now, I desperately want to talk to my mom.  I miss her.  I miss her wisdom.  I miss the fact that when I didn't feel well I could call her and she would pray for me.  My mom had this deep and abiding faith in God.  To be perfectly honest, I don't.  Not all the time anyway.  Faith or not, feeling it or not, I have hope.  I have hope in the fact that I will be okay.

I will be okay.  I know that.  Eventually, I will adapt.  I will become accustomed to the hole in my heart.  The sharp pain will always be there, the missing will always be apart of me, but I will be okay.  Right now, instead of fighting how I feel, in stead of trying not to feel, I will choose to allow myself the room to experience the sorrow.  I can feel this way, I can grieve, knowing that there is a way to be okay despite the broken and missing pieces.

Well meaning people, family even, have said that eventually I will understand. I don't know about that. I don't know that there is a way to comprehend the losses I've sustained and be alright with them.  But you know what? Understanding something doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.

So now what? The "What's Next?" is happening right now. I am writing.  I am focusing on the fact that I believe I was supposed to hear the song and buy the book.  I am choosing to believe that my mom is reminding me that I will be okay.  My mom was a trooper.  She was a tough cookie.  Not a saint by any means, but definitely a woman of grace and strength. She always had hope, she always believed that life would turn out alright.  She believed in a good God.  She had staying power.  She ascribed to the belief that to everything there is a season.  She carried on, and so will I.

As I write this I am wrapped in this amazingly soft shawl, knit just for me by a friend of mine Sharon, in Canada.  I have been blessed by making some new friends recently and reconnecting with some old (not in age) ones.  In the writing of this post, I realize how strong I am. I realize that my mom isn't gone, she's just not here.  I'm reminded that I'm not alone.  I have friends and family that surround me.  I have a faith in God that sustains me even when I don't feel it.  I also have hope in knowing that I am going to be okay.

"And I will be strong, when love is gone, I'll carry on..."

My shawl

My mom & Bean

The shawl I'm knitting designed by my friend Claudia

http://www.metrolyrics.com/youll-be-okay-lyrics-a-great-big-world.html

Being Honest

I've avoided writing because I haven't really wanted to be honest.  I want to be able to say how well I'm doing. I want to be able to say that "I'm getting through this.." What I've really been doing is avoiding the potential for judgement because I'm not where I "should" be on someone else's timeline for grief.

I'm angry.
I hate that I have to be in this place. I hate that my mom isn't here. I hate that I was sick and she wasn't on the other end of the phone just talking to me.  I hate that people are human and say stupid inconsiderate stuff.  I hate that I'm so raw at times that I don't deal with people gracefully.

4 months.  That's how long its been since my mom died.  To some people that seems like a long time.  To other's its "enough" time.  To still others, it's time for me to start moving forward.

To those that would say it's a long time, my response is this: there are moments when a minute seems like an eternity.  It's all about perspective.

To the one's that think it has been "enough" time. I'd like to ask, how do you know? How does one quantify time?  Do you think four months is the adequate amount of time someone should grieve? Or is it that maybe, you've had enough? If that's the case, please don't ask me how I'm doing.  Please don't get mad if I don't talk.  No harm no foul. Just FYI, no amount of time will have been "enough" for me to to get accustomed to my loss.

In regards to moving forward... oh there is much I could say.  I am not stuck.  I'm not wallowing.  This isn't a pity partying I'm having.  I'm hurt. I'm wounded.  I have a gaping hole in my heart that hasn't begun to heal yet.  Please understand, I'm not looking for anyone to fix this.  My mom being taking way to early from this life isn't something that anyone can fix.  The fact that I'm hurting isn't something that can be fixed either.  Grief isn't something I get through or move from.  Grief is a new normal that I have to learn to adapt to.  I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am functioning.  There are days where I hurt.  Sometimes missing my Mom requires me to pause for a while, that's all.  Some of you will understand that, and some of you won't.  That's ok.

I haven't found my new normal yet.  There are days when I have awesome moments.  Moments where I laugh till I cry.  Times when I am joyful.  There are good days.  None of those days or moments in time can soothe the hurt when my mind reminds me that my Mom isn't here to listen to all that I would love to share with her.  In a year, I may be doing better than I am right now.  Then again maybe I won't.  The bottom line is, I just don't know.  The person I was before would apologize for being where I'm at, the person I've become won't do that.

I'm going to attempt to blog every day.  It won't always be pretty.  It may not be pretty for a long time.  The only thing I can promise is that I will be honest.  That's the beauty of the internet though isn't it? If someone doesn't like what I have to say, they don't have to continue reading!

And on that note, on to posting some recent photos I've shot.

I've been bathed in fire..

My favorite photo of that night....

Light and dark