A Visual Journey of Grace: You're going to be okay....that's the title of the book...

It's 1:00a.m. and I'm listening to a song entitled "You'll Be Okay" by A Great Big World.

It would seem that the theme for this evening is that I'm going to be be okay. My friend Tiffany asked me to hang out with her tonight. We went to Barnes & Noble and I happened to come across this book entitled "You're Going To Be Okay," written by Holley Gerth. On a whim I decided to purchase it. On my way to the checkout the song that started playing was, "You'll Be Okay." Coincidence? Maybe. Special? Absolutely.

See, right now I don't feel it. Right now, I desperately want to talk to my mom. I miss her. I miss her wisdom. I miss the fact that when I didn't feel well I could call her and she would pray for me. My mom had this deep and abiding faith in God. To be perfectly honest, I don't. Not all the time anyway. Faith or not, feeling it or not, I have hope. I have hope in the fact that I will be okay.

I will be okay. I know that. Eventually, I will adapt. I will become accustomed to the hole in my heart. The sharp pain will always be there, the missing will always be apart of me, but I will be okay. Right now, instead of fighting how I feel, in stead of trying not to feel, I will choose to allow myself the room to experience the sorrow. I can feel this way, I can grieve, knowing that there is a way to be okay despite the broken and missing pieces.

Well meaning people, family even, have said that eventually I will understand. I don't know about that. I don't know that there is a way to comprehend the losses I've sustained and be alright with them. But you know what? Understanding something doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.

So now what? The "What's Next?" is happening right now. I am writing. I am focusing on the fact that I believe I was supposed to hear the song and buy the book. I am choosing to believe that my mom is reminding me that I will be okay. My mom was a trooper. She was a tough cookie. Not a saint by any means, but definitely a woman of grace and strength. She always had hope, she always believed that life would turn out alright. She believed in a good God. She had staying power. She ascribed to the belief that to everything there is a season. She carried on, and so will I.

As I write this I am wrapped in this amazingly soft shawl, knit just for me by a friend of mine Sharon, in Canada. I have been blessed by making some new friends recently and reconnecting with some old (not in age) ones. In the writing of this post, I realize how strong I am. I realize that my mom isn't gone, she's just not here. I'm reminded that I'm not alone. I have friends and family that surround me. I have a faith in God that sustains me even when I don't feel it. I also have hope in knowing that I am going to be okay.

"And I will be strong, when love is gone, I'll carry on..."