Facing today

Sometimes making your mind up is half the battle.  I have chosen to make certain small decisions every day.  These activities are my goal posts.  I attempt to complete these two tasks every day, the rest is icing.

I know that two tasks seems so very simple.  In my current mind set, two tasks seems insurmountable some days.  I'm in this place and time where I have to take conscious care of myself. I have to do or not do the things where the end result is caring for myself.  One of the things that I have been able to accomplish every day is making my bed. My husband Dan will tell you that I have too many pillows on my bed. Well.... I make the bed with a lot of pillows anyway.  Making my bed has so many benefits.  The first one is that I feel this tangible connection and attachment to my mom in the process.  My mom loved to make the bed. She made her bed beautifully and so do I.  Another thing is that my friend Holly is the reason I have this gorgeous bed spread and accent pillows.  Holly is my friend that I run away to.  She is a safe place for me.  Seeing my bed reminds me that Holly exists and is only a phone call away.

The second goal post for the day is finishing a school related task every day.  This is the task that is at times insurmountable. I keep telling myself that I've come this far, I can't quit now.  The problem is that quitting seems so easy.  We will come back to that.

I have this friend in my life, his name is Michael. I've known him for about 20 years.  He was my small group leader at one time.  Michael is just my big brother.  I trust his take on scripture. I accept the words coming out of his mouth as truth. Michael is blunt. Sometimes blunt is needed even if not desired. The content of our last conversation was blunt, necessary and undesired. The bottom line of the conversation came down to context. I was challenged to look at the context of what I am dealing with.

So, what am I dealing with? I am dealing with an enemy that seeks to destroy me, and I don't just mean the spiritual one. I have a real life one.  I can't do anything about him. I can't change who he is, I can't change the results of decisions I made ages ago. While his actions do have an impact in my life, I need to look at those behaviors in context.  Realistically, aside from my emotions, is anyone being directly harmed? No.  Do I have the power to change the fact that he has been given the power to take and use what is so very dear to me? No.  What I do have power over is how I respond and react to what he is doing.  That for me is the difficulty, the rub.  I weep over what I have lost.  I weep over what I perceive as never coming to pass.  My friend Tammy reminds me regularly that while the kids are alive and walking around there is hope. Hope is in so very short supply right now.

I cut my hair. In that moment, I had control over that one decision and I took it.  I think it looks good. Yesterday, I cried. I wept. I missed my mom's lap. I wanted to put my head in her lap and feel the warmth of her hands on my head as I wept.  I loosed the ties around my heart and felt for those moments in time the pain and grief that I had been holding back so tightly.  This hurts. I want to skip this part. I don't want to feel and experience the pain.  There isn't any way through this. There is no relief route.  The road I'm on goes straight through.  What does that look like?

This road is long. From my vantage point I can't gauge it's distance.  In reality every day for the forceable future will hurt.  I can attempt to wall away my soul so as not to experience the pain so acutely. If I chose to do so, what am I teaching my children? For today I will stand on this road. I will take one step and put it in front of another and go as far as I can, and then I will take a break.  I will be honest about how I feel. I will acknowledge the pain and I will develop daily markers to gauge forward progression.  I will deal with today. My mom used to say, not to borrow trouble... I will do my very best.  I will carry on today.

Today, I will be strong. Today, I will make my bed. I will cherish my children. I will look in their faces and mannerisms and see my mom.  If necessary, I will cry.  I will not focus on what is coming.  I will work at being ok for today.

I'm aiming...

This is what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like to me.

a flower that defied the cold and bloomed anyway

A moment in time with my son Nate

Choices

I had the most incredible Easter! During the past week, I was acutely aware that Sunday was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Holding it together was my only aspiration.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I am studying the subject matter of "living in peace." As I put feet on this topic I'm discovering a lot about myself and my relationships.  The key point for me surrounds the choices I make.  My friend Cullen said to me, "...you choose whether or not you're going to accept the offense..." Simple statement, big impact, hard to practice.  I have found out how hard it is not to hold on to hurt or wounds once they have been inflicted.  It comes down to a choice. As my friend and accountability partner Larissa says to me, "...you have choose whether or not you value the relationship more than being right..." I'm choosing my relationships. Of course once I made the decision I had multiple opportunities to put it into practice, not fun. Not fun, but choosing to love the person and let go of "whatever" is oh so rewarding.

During this time God has been so faithful. You know, making the right decision regardless of your "feelings" will eventually force your feelings to follow suit. I get to choose how I feel.

I've said all that to say, I made a conscious choice last Saturday to implicitly trust God. It was so hard. When the kids got here I decided in my head that we were going to enjoy our time together. Period. I took so many pictures. We laughed so much. About midweek I discovered that Dan and Kamal would not be home on Sunday. It was Easter and the kiddos had and early return flight! It took me about a day or so to wrap my head around the fact that I would not have any of my blood family with me on this holiday. This Easter is my first without my mom. There it is again - loss. I was faced with a choice. Focus on what I didn't have or choose to have a good day. I chose the latter. I chose to focus on all the good, and then God blessed me so abundantly!

First, my friend Theresa-Sherrell woke up at 4:30a.m. to drive the kids and I to the airport! Did I mention it was 4 dark thirty in the morning? She made a trip that was already filled with anxiety and sadness for me so much fun. She had the kids and I laughing the entire time! Blessed! Despite it not being her regular church T graciously drove and attended service at my church with me. While I was getting dressed I got a flower delivery. On Easter Sunday, I got a flower delivery?! My Dad, son Michael, sister Rini and brother Dave had sent me a hydrangea plant. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Another blessing. While at church my husband texts me to say that he won't be at the hospital as long as he thought and he would be home for lunch. Easter is turning out well. The icing on my cake was having my friend Jamin in town and having him over. We laughed, oh how we laughed! We sang (I was introduced to Betty Who - love it!) and had fantastic conversation. Then my friend Mel joined us bringing her amazing turtle cheesecake with her for a Twilight marathon (don't judge). So blessed!

I made the choice to find the good. I was determined to trust God and know that Easter was going to be good. Was it hard? Absolutely! Watching my kids board a plane is never easy. Missing my mom is a daily struggle and some days are just harder than others. Despite these tangible losses I had a fantastic Easter. I chose to focus on what God has given me and the good I do have and He blessed me with so much more! My heart is full!

The photo says it all!

Some of my loves...

The family that's in town...

My flowers!

Yummy!

You're going to be okay....that's the title of the book...

It's 1:00a.m. and I'm listening to a song entitled "You'll Be Okay" by A Great Big World.

It would seem that the theme for this evening is that I'm going to be be okay.  My friend Tiffany asked me to hang out with her tonight.  We went to Barnes & Noble and I happened to come across this book entitled "You're Going To Be Okay," written by Holley Gerth.  On a whim I decided to purchase it.  On my way to the checkout the song that started playing was, "You'll Be Okay." Coincidence? Maybe. Special? Absolutely.

See, right now I don't feel it.  Right now, I desperately want to talk to my mom.  I miss her.  I miss her wisdom.  I miss the fact that when I didn't feel well I could call her and she would pray for me.  My mom had this deep and abiding faith in God.  To be perfectly honest, I don't.  Not all the time anyway.  Faith or not, feeling it or not, I have hope.  I have hope in the fact that I will be okay.

I will be okay.  I know that.  Eventually, I will adapt.  I will become accustomed to the hole in my heart.  The sharp pain will always be there, the missing will always be apart of me, but I will be okay.  Right now, instead of fighting how I feel, in stead of trying not to feel, I will choose to allow myself the room to experience the sorrow.  I can feel this way, I can grieve, knowing that there is a way to be okay despite the broken and missing pieces.

Well meaning people, family even, have said that eventually I will understand. I don't know about that. I don't know that there is a way to comprehend the losses I've sustained and be alright with them.  But you know what? Understanding something doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.

So now what? The "What's Next?" is happening right now. I am writing.  I am focusing on the fact that I believe I was supposed to hear the song and buy the book.  I am choosing to believe that my mom is reminding me that I will be okay.  My mom was a trooper.  She was a tough cookie.  Not a saint by any means, but definitely a woman of grace and strength. She always had hope, she always believed that life would turn out alright.  She believed in a good God.  She had staying power.  She ascribed to the belief that to everything there is a season.  She carried on, and so will I.

As I write this I am wrapped in this amazingly soft shawl, knit just for me by a friend of mine Sharon, in Canada.  I have been blessed by making some new friends recently and reconnecting with some old (not in age) ones.  In the writing of this post, I realize how strong I am. I realize that my mom isn't gone, she's just not here.  I'm reminded that I'm not alone.  I have friends and family that surround me.  I have a faith in God that sustains me even when I don't feel it.  I also have hope in knowing that I am going to be okay.

"And I will be strong, when love is gone, I'll carry on..."

My shawl

My mom & Bean

The shawl I'm knitting designed by my friend Claudia

http://www.metrolyrics.com/youll-be-okay-lyrics-a-great-big-world.html