Thirteen years ago....

Thirteen years ago today at around 2 in the afternoon with my mom at my side I delivered a baby girl at home.  She was born still.  This is a aspect of my life that I have not shared openly before now.  There are very few people in my life (family even) that knew I suffered a loss like this.  Her father and I named her Ameilia.  Sometimes I see her when I sleep. I imagine her regularly.  Today and days past I have wept for all the days that would've been. I cry for my daughter Anika who didn't get to have a big sister here on earth.

I try not to focus on death and loss.  Sadly this is a road that I have been allowed to traverse and loss is an intimate partner in my walk theses days.  Today, Claudia came and spent the day with me.  We didn't talk about Ameilia today we just hung out.  Claudia has been a gift that I am SO glad to have been given.  I'm sad that we share so many things. I'm sorry that she has suffered in some of the same ways that I have. I wish she could've been spared loss.  Her losses have given her an understanding of how to treat someone like me. For that I am grateful.

Someone like me is someone who is raw around the edges.  I'm sensitive. I'm more withdrawn than I used to be. Someone like me needs understanding. I need to cry a lot. I need to sleep a lot. Sometimes I need to just talk a lot about what I've lost. When someone in your life goes through a hard season in their life, try to be like Claudia.  Here are some of what she has done for me:

1. She has had no expectations of me. I am allowed to just be me.  Even on the worst days she has not tried to make me "see the good..."

2. She has let me cry ~ repeatedly.

3. She has just been there. Today she sat here knit, laughed, watched movies and was just here.

These are just a few of the things my dear friend and sister has done for me.  But these are the things that those of you who are not her can easily replicate.

One of the things that she has never done is try to force me to be grateful for all the good things.  I'm aware of the good things in my life.  I don't need to be reminded of what I do have.  I have needed, and sometimes still need, the room to grieve what I have lost.  The people that I have allowed to be close to me at this time know one key thing, I'm not going to get stuck here.  I'm not going to live in this space forever.  These precious people know that, so therefore, they aren't trying to force me out of where I am.  I understand that people are well meaning.  I get it that death, loss and tragic life events make people uncomfortable.  If you're uncomfortable then don't say anything.

Couple things I have to get off my chest...I don't live under a black cloud! God isn't punishing me! If you feel otherwise then go unfriend me on Facebook or something. Sometimes really bad things happen in succession. I can't help the fact that my daughter died before she was born. I can't help the fact that my mom died. My custodial situation is a nightmare and my health has taken a beating. I have become less and less communicative because of how offended some people have become at my life circumstances.  Did I mention that it is my life and not theirs that has been negatively impacted? Anyway, I digress...

In the midst of all of this, there have been some really really good things I have been blessed with. Despite my lack of communication people have stepped in and provided meals, books to read and much needed company. I have made new friends and have let some people go. I have had the opportunity to read a few awesome books. My relationship with God is growing in a way that I didn't think was possible. I am developing a greater understanding of the difference between justice and fairness.  I have been knitting - a lot.

In closing I would like to say, my life has been painful and difficult; however, in the midst of it I am even more keenly aware that God hasn't let go of me.  I feel as if I'm being rubbed so very thin, but maybe that's the point. Just like Claudia's losses make her sensitive and gracious to me, hopefully my life will make me more gracious to all those I meet.

Here are some of the things that have made me smile and reminded me of God's goodness...

FANTASTIC book. 

Presents in the mail!

Smart boy!