One of those things I'm working on is living in a state of peace. Up until recently I had a real misconception of what "living in Peace" meant. Peace isn't the absence of pain, loss, or emotions. Peace isn't turning a blind eye to the offenses received from other people and situations. I've learned this week that in order to live in peace you have to begin by changing your mindset. Feelings are valid. Refusing to acknowledge them only breeds resentment. Being offended however is a choice. I've been hurt many times over by family and non-family. This situation isn't unique to me. Allowing myself the freedom to feel the feeling and acknowledging it perfectly fine, what I do as a result of that feeling that I have to guard against. For example, I learned from my friend Cullen recently that, "Taking offense is a choice." That was hard to hear. When someone hurts me, my first inclination is to defend myself or shut the person out entirely. That isn't what God teaches us. I choose, I am in control of whether or not I'm going to be offended. Ever since I made the conscious effort to walk and live in peace the challenges to that mindset hit. For me to live this way requires that I believe that God is fundamentally good and trustworthy. During this particular exercise I didn't fully believe in either sentiment. I learned that peace isn't results oriented. Peace is a state of being and living that I'm in control of. I choose whether or not to take offense and hold on to it. Living in peace isn't easy! It is NOT a quick fix. Its a new mind/life behavior.
In regards to my mom this means that it is completely acceptable for me to empty myself of tears if that is how I'm feeling at the moment. It means that I begin to accept the loss. It means that when I miss my kids I cry and let it out. Tears are cleansing. Some times our souls need a means letting the emotions go. After that is when I have to be careful. After the weeping is when I have to guard my heart against the thoughts that come at me. I was not in control of when my mom or baby Ameilia were taken from me. I was not in control of what had been done to me in court. Not being in control doesn't explain it, nor does it justify what transpired. It is just a reminder of what things I am to take ownership of.
I choose to acknowledge how something has made me feel, If necessary I cry and get angry. After the emotions have been diffused I choose not to carry the offense with me. I hope that makes sense. I'm not perfect at this technique, but I will say life is becoming smoother.
This weekend is hard. My kids return to the company of their father early on Easter Sunday morning. My husband has to work at the hospital and my son forgetting it was Easter is also working. I was pretty hurt about it yesterday. I took that hurt, held it and walked around with it. Didn't necessarily make it enjoyable for me. I realized two things. There will always be times that I will be alone when I didn't anticipate it. Knowing that means I can prepare for it in the future. The kids leaving tomorrow means that they are here for today! My mom loved any excuse to cook, so I bake. I can almost hear her voice in my head as I put my hands in the bread to knead it.
"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation" 1 Peter 5:10 NLT.
Gorgeous flowers - Hyacinth I believe
Some of my family
Baking cinnamon rolls - my mom's recipe
The ability to paint, another gift from my mom.
Thanks for sharing your heart and your photos!
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