Isn't it funny how easy it is for something trivial like an article or an email from someone no longer in our life to knock one off of the sometimes precarious ledge we sit on? As is now common knowledge for those who read this blog frequently, I have been hit with a lot in months past. This week I have started to work towards coming to peace with things. I am striving towards moving in a forward direction without losing sight of what is dear to me.
On Tuesday, I received an email from the ex-husband regarding my youngest two children's visitation. That was the nudge that started the unbalancing act. My divorce was quick and painless in comparison to the custodial battle that has raged for seven plus years. Seven years of my life, my children's lives, my husband's life and yes the ex's life too. We have spent seven years and thousands of dollars gridlocked. In the end he won a pretty big battle last year and to say that I have felt defeated is an understatement. I told some one that I actually felt broken. I cried and asked how much is enough. I begged for an answer. Although calmer now, I still want to know how much suffering is enough? What if there isn't a limit? That's a scary thought. From my vantage point I don't think there is a limit. That's an even scarier thought. I am not so naive as to believe that I have no fault in the divorce or the gridlock that I'm in. I take responsibility for my involvement.
Involvement. Now there is an interesting word. What does it mean exactly? According to dictionary.com one of the meanings is: "to include as a necessary circumstance..." I have included the circumstances of the custody battle as a necessary circumstance in my life. Necessary circumstance - that's pretty weighty. I have been embroiled in a situation that in my mind was vital to my life. My children were involved so of course it was vital; however, to be so engaged in it to the exclusion of the growth of my personhood...hmm that wasn't what I had planned. So now what?
It's time to move forward. I don't know exactly what that looks like yet. I have been judging myself by the losses in court and I can't do that anymore. I will always fight for my children but I won't define myself by what happens in court.
The life I'm living now is certainly not one that I would have imagined for myself. It is however the life that God has allowed me to live. There are days where I feel as if I might break, but I won't.
I am thankful for:
Dan's safe return from what would be his last deployment.
Taking Jake & Mel's pre-deployment photos
The talent God has given me for photography
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