Tipping Point

I have been here before, I just didn't know it. I would love to say that I just wasn't as self aware as I am now. Truthfully, the likely cause is the fact that I was too busy being angry or hurt not to realize that I was approaching a fork in the road. With my emotions roiling I have often chosen the path that assuages my feelings.  The problem is that while feelings are real and at times painful, they are fleeting.

So here I am.  Unlike moments long gone, I was moving slow enough that I could see where I was. Today, I was once again given the opportunity to look over my shoulder and get stuck there. I had a choice to make. Wallow in the pain or choose to turn around and move forward. I am choosing to make forward progress. It is HARD. Acknowledging that something important has been stolen and that it can never be made right is hard. Choosing to turn around is difficult, painful even; however, it is the right thing to do.

Lately, I have been reminded that others have lost far more than I have. This knowledge does not make my loss any less painful or significant, it simply serves to give me perspective.  I am hurt, I am grieved by the injustice; however, I will not be engaged with it.  Even as the past reaches towards me in an attempt to keep me tangled and thereby preventing my forward progress, I will keep moving forward.

Reminders of what I have:

Rock Bottom

The ground is hard and cold. There is no where left to go. That's the definition of rock bottom isn't it?

I am sitting here at the very bottom. Now what? I've been knocked down a lot in my life. Those who know me well know all that I've gone through. Those friends I mentioned know that I am a really stubborn and determined person. Knock me down, do so knowing I will get up. Till now. For the first time in my life I have questioned my ability to get back up.  There are moments when I think about what I've lost and my chest hurts and it gets hard to breath. 

When you get to this place there are very few yet finite things you can do.
You can:
1. Stay right where you are. 

2. You can move. 

I chose to stay where I was for a few days. I cried. All of the disappointment, devastation, resentment, hurt, anger and hopelessness came out. It needed to. I did what is commonly called "ugly crying." That is what I did. I let my body express what my words could not

Then I started asking questions. I questioned my faith. I questioned the existence of God. I reached out a little. The really important thing to note here is I reached out to trustworthy people. I had in my bubble people who didn't have all the answers but they were honest. This collective group had great advice. Here is what I was given:

1. Let people pray for you the words that you can't. 

2. Take the day you're in, a moment at a time. A breath at a time if you have to.

3. Take breaks and breathe.

4. Change your physical location - even if only for a little bit.

I'm starting to move a little bit.  What does that look like? It looks like me investing in myself.  I have given and given. There have been times where I have depleted myself for other people and that's ok. I don't resent all that I've given. But now it's time for me. I'm starting to refocus. It's a little blurry right now; but that's ok.

I've had a really hard time being thankful. I am going to choose to be more mindful of even the little things.  In this moment I am thankful for having the opportunity to shoot the sunrise at 6:00a.m.! I am thankful for friends that love me any way. I am thankful for great advice! I'm thankful that I'm not stuck.

Sunrise - breath taking.

There it is! The sun cresting over the mountain!

Gorgeous Natalie! 

Really cool farmer dude.

Love how comfortable he is with himself

Sunflowers!