Rock Bottom

The ground is hard and cold. There is no where left to go. That's the definition of rock bottom isn't it?

I am sitting here at the very bottom. Now what? I've been knocked down a lot in my life. Those who know me well know all that I've gone through. Those friends I mentioned know that I am a really stubborn and determined person. Knock me down, do so knowing I will get up. Till now. For the first time in my life I have questioned my ability to get back up.  There are moments when I think about what I've lost and my chest hurts and it gets hard to breath. 

When you get to this place there are very few yet finite things you can do.
You can:
1. Stay right where you are. 

2. You can move. 

I chose to stay where I was for a few days. I cried. All of the disappointment, devastation, resentment, hurt, anger and hopelessness came out. It needed to. I did what is commonly called "ugly crying." That is what I did. I let my body express what my words could not

Then I started asking questions. I questioned my faith. I questioned the existence of God. I reached out a little. The really important thing to note here is I reached out to trustworthy people. I had in my bubble people who didn't have all the answers but they were honest. This collective group had great advice. Here is what I was given:

1. Let people pray for you the words that you can't. 

2. Take the day you're in, a moment at a time. A breath at a time if you have to.

3. Take breaks and breathe.

4. Change your physical location - even if only for a little bit.

I'm starting to move a little bit.  What does that look like? It looks like me investing in myself.  I have given and given. There have been times where I have depleted myself for other people and that's ok. I don't resent all that I've given. But now it's time for me. I'm starting to refocus. It's a little blurry right now; but that's ok.

I've had a really hard time being thankful. I am going to choose to be more mindful of even the little things.  In this moment I am thankful for having the opportunity to shoot the sunrise at 6:00a.m.! I am thankful for friends that love me any way. I am thankful for great advice! I'm thankful that I'm not stuck.

Sunrise - breath taking.

There it is! The sun cresting over the mountain!

Gorgeous Natalie! 

Really cool farmer dude.

Love how comfortable he is with himself

Sunflowers!

May was a rough month

I couldn't write. For the entire month of May I just couldn't write.  It wasn't for a lack of words, feelings or happenings... I just couldn't sit down and make myself do it.

May 12th is my mothers birthday. On that date this year, my second son Kamal graduated from high school.  May 11 this year was mother's day.  See what I mean? A lot of losses. A lot to work through and I didn't want to do it.

I was told recently that I've hurt some people by my lack of attention to them.  Sadly, at the moment I just don't care. I don't care about the petty goings on of people on the periphery of my life.  Wow that wasn't very christian was it? Oops. Ok so there is more than a touch of sarcasm there.  Honestly, "christian" or not it's the truth.  I'm not saying I don't care about other people, I do.  I just have a hard time caring about other people's reaction to what I'm going through. Since the divorce my life has been rough and I survived it.  Remarriage to an active duty Airman, yeah that complicated my life but I dealt with it.  Add physical challenges and a nasty custody battle, yup persevered through all of that.      Not saying that I didn't cry, scream, vent or get depressed, I did all that but I survived. 

Fast forward a few years and I lost my mom.  I took care of her and watched her die.  She took her last breaths in my arms.  I was the last voice she heard.  I chose that.  I am SO thankful that I was able to be there, even now I wouldn't change it.  The hard part is that losing my mother on top of everything else has changed me. I've been altered.  I've said it before, this is a new normal, the old Dilshani just doesn't exist any more.  The new me isn't as soft and so eager to please as I was before.  The new me cares less about people's opinion.  I'm more calloused than I used to be.  I won't apologize for that, at least not now.  Maybe at a later date, then again, maybe not. I don't know.  The same person that told me that I've hurt some people also asked me why I am able to give grace to some people and not to others.  I don't know if I can adequately explain, but I'm going to try. I have sustained some huge losses in my life.  Up until the death of my mother I did my best to battle through all of it.  Some "well intentioned" individuals have said some stupid things to me, and yet I buried my hurt and continued to try and appease those very people that hurt me.  All this in the name of being a "christian." Here's the problem bury stuff long enough and you get resentful. Ok maybe you don't but I did.  So then my mother died. When she died a lot of people expected a lot of me and I stepped up to the plate. I put my grieving on hold so that I could take care of my kids, my husband, my other family members.  I kept saying that when I got back home I would grieve.  When I got back to New Mexico my life didn't stop it kept going and I tried to juggle life and my loss.  It didn't work too well. Something had to give. What gave was relationships that needed more than I had to give at the time.  Sad as it may be, I am ok with it.  You see the people that have stuck are the ones who understand this: right now I don't have a lot to give. Most days I am emotionally spent. I give what I can and then I'm done. 

I often call Marcie my complaint department.  She and I joke that I am allowed to give her phone number to those people who would like to complain about me and my lack of sensitivity to them.  Marcie is one of my best friends.  She had a baby a couple months back. She is one of my best friends and I wasn't there for her - she never held it against me.  There were times that she needed to vent and I just wasn't around.  She forgave me for that too. Laura S. we rarely get to talk anymore, just because life has got in the way, and yet if I text her she responds. The sister of my heart, Claudia, was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of stuff and she made the effort to ask me how I was doing and wanted the honest truth. Does this sound selfish? You are absolutely right it does. I am selfish. I am ok with that.  The people closest too me are ok with that too.

There is no time limit on grief.  There is no way to quantify how anyone deals with it. I'm not over my mom's death. There are days that feel like I'm moving on and there are days when I'm knocked on my ass.  I do my very best to put on a good front. I do this because the average person that asks me how I'm doing, doesn't need to know the whole truth.  If you ask me how I'm doing, and I say I'm hanging in here, that's honest.

I've said all this to say, if you're one of the people who's feelings got hurt because I didn't respond to you the way you expected - please lower your expectations of me.  I have survived a lot and if I'm not as compassionate to your stuff - I'm sorry. I'm not perfect, I'm not a good "christian" and there are probably many that would say I'm not a good friend. I accept all of that. I'm sorry if anyone reading this feels as if they didn't get as much as they were expecting out of the relationship. I'm doing the best I can. I am hurting. I miss my mom, its not a crutch, its not an excuse - its my reality.

Kamal's graduation - bittersweet

   Prayers that others have prayed

My precious mommy

Choices

I had the most incredible Easter! During the past week, I was acutely aware that Sunday was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Holding it together was my only aspiration.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I am studying the subject matter of "living in peace." As I put feet on this topic I'm discovering a lot about myself and my relationships.  The key point for me surrounds the choices I make.  My friend Cullen said to me, "...you choose whether or not you're going to accept the offense..." Simple statement, big impact, hard to practice.  I have found out how hard it is not to hold on to hurt or wounds once they have been inflicted.  It comes down to a choice. As my friend and accountability partner Larissa says to me, "...you have choose whether or not you value the relationship more than being right..." I'm choosing my relationships. Of course once I made the decision I had multiple opportunities to put it into practice, not fun. Not fun, but choosing to love the person and let go of "whatever" is oh so rewarding.

During this time God has been so faithful. You know, making the right decision regardless of your "feelings" will eventually force your feelings to follow suit. I get to choose how I feel.

I've said all that to say, I made a conscious choice last Saturday to implicitly trust God. It was so hard. When the kids got here I decided in my head that we were going to enjoy our time together. Period. I took so many pictures. We laughed so much. About midweek I discovered that Dan and Kamal would not be home on Sunday. It was Easter and the kiddos had and early return flight! It took me about a day or so to wrap my head around the fact that I would not have any of my blood family with me on this holiday. This Easter is my first without my mom. There it is again - loss. I was faced with a choice. Focus on what I didn't have or choose to have a good day. I chose the latter. I chose to focus on all the good, and then God blessed me so abundantly!

First, my friend Theresa-Sherrell woke up at 4:30a.m. to drive the kids and I to the airport! Did I mention it was 4 dark thirty in the morning? She made a trip that was already filled with anxiety and sadness for me so much fun. She had the kids and I laughing the entire time! Blessed! Despite it not being her regular church T graciously drove and attended service at my church with me. While I was getting dressed I got a flower delivery. On Easter Sunday, I got a flower delivery?! My Dad, son Michael, sister Rini and brother Dave had sent me a hydrangea plant. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Another blessing. While at church my husband texts me to say that he won't be at the hospital as long as he thought and he would be home for lunch. Easter is turning out well. The icing on my cake was having my friend Jamin in town and having him over. We laughed, oh how we laughed! We sang (I was introduced to Betty Who - love it!) and had fantastic conversation. Then my friend Mel joined us bringing her amazing turtle cheesecake with her for a Twilight marathon (don't judge). So blessed!

I made the choice to find the good. I was determined to trust God and know that Easter was going to be good. Was it hard? Absolutely! Watching my kids board a plane is never easy. Missing my mom is a daily struggle and some days are just harder than others. Despite these tangible losses I had a fantastic Easter. I chose to focus on what God has given me and the good I do have and He blessed me with so much more! My heart is full!

The photo says it all!

Some of my loves...

The family that's in town...

My flowers!

Yummy!