Balancing Act

Life is a strange balancing act isn't it? I have missed two days of blogging because the balancing act called life tripped me up a bit. I have physical issues, I have ex spouse issues and then I have grieving issues.  My therapist tells me that I need to do more self-care.

Self-care? Really? Yes, really. Everything is finite. There are limits to my level of energy, there are limits to my ability to cope, there are limits to my empathy for others - you get the idea. I have spent so much of my life taking care of other people that I have lost sight of what self-care really means. Due to circumstances beyond my control I had the opportunity to reflect on what taking care of myself really looks like.

For me, what this means is accepting that life isn't fair. You can be right, you can be the good person and yet you can (and there are instances where you may) get the raw end of the deal. I have fought a custody battle for 7 years. The former spouse has used the letter of the law to manipulate the spirit of the law and deny me my rights. I have screamed at the top of my lungs it would appear that "it isn't fair!" While people will commiserate that it isn't fair - there isn't anything anyone can do for me. The only way to take care of myself is to accept it and move on.

Move on, now there is an interesting phrase. In order to move on you have to start walking away from something, a point of reference.  For me, I have to walk away from what I thought co-parenting would look like. I have to walk away from my idea of what being a mother is. Hard stuff.

Letting other people take care of their own stuff isn't easy, especially when those "other people" are related to you. My kids are old enough to realize that at some point they have to take ownership of their relationships and as one of their parents I have to step back and let them. Not easy.

There it is again, find the balance between holding on and letting go.

Finding joy is sometimes as simple as getting gorgeous shoes cheap. Steve Maddens for $11.22 :-)

Pumpkin soup from scratch. Mmmmm. Yummy!

A corn maze....

Rock Bottom

The ground is hard and cold. There is no where left to go. That's the definition of rock bottom isn't it?

I am sitting here at the very bottom. Now what? I've been knocked down a lot in my life. Those who know me well know all that I've gone through. Those friends I mentioned know that I am a really stubborn and determined person. Knock me down, do so knowing I will get up. Till now. For the first time in my life I have questioned my ability to get back up.  There are moments when I think about what I've lost and my chest hurts and it gets hard to breath. 

When you get to this place there are very few yet finite things you can do.
You can:
1. Stay right where you are. 

2. You can move. 

I chose to stay where I was for a few days. I cried. All of the disappointment, devastation, resentment, hurt, anger and hopelessness came out. It needed to. I did what is commonly called "ugly crying." That is what I did. I let my body express what my words could not

Then I started asking questions. I questioned my faith. I questioned the existence of God. I reached out a little. The really important thing to note here is I reached out to trustworthy people. I had in my bubble people who didn't have all the answers but they were honest. This collective group had great advice. Here is what I was given:

1. Let people pray for you the words that you can't. 

2. Take the day you're in, a moment at a time. A breath at a time if you have to.

3. Take breaks and breathe.

4. Change your physical location - even if only for a little bit.

I'm starting to move a little bit.  What does that look like? It looks like me investing in myself.  I have given and given. There have been times where I have depleted myself for other people and that's ok. I don't resent all that I've given. But now it's time for me. I'm starting to refocus. It's a little blurry right now; but that's ok.

I've had a really hard time being thankful. I am going to choose to be more mindful of even the little things.  In this moment I am thankful for having the opportunity to shoot the sunrise at 6:00a.m.! I am thankful for friends that love me any way. I am thankful for great advice! I'm thankful that I'm not stuck.

Sunrise - breath taking.

There it is! The sun cresting over the mountain!

Gorgeous Natalie! 

Really cool farmer dude.

Love how comfortable he is with himself

Sunflowers!

Getting Up Slowly

The sensation I'm experiences feels like I'm falling slowly.  Grief is weird you know?  Maybe you don't...You get stuck in this window of time and expect to move at the same rate and it doesn't. Life moves a lot faster than I'm ready for.  I'm not ready for everything; however, I am ready to take little steps.

One of those things I'm working on is living in a state of peace.  Up until recently I had a real misconception of what "living in Peace" meant.  Peace isn't the absence of pain, loss, or emotions.  Peace isn't turning a blind eye to the offenses received from other people and situations.  I've learned this week that in order to live in peace you have to begin by changing your mindset.  Feelings are valid. Refusing to acknowledge them only breeds resentment.  Being offended however is a choice.  I've been hurt many times over by family and non-family.  This situation isn't unique to me.  Allowing myself the freedom to feel the feeling and acknowledging it perfectly fine, what I do as a result of that feeling that I have to guard against.  For example, I learned from my friend Cullen recently that, "Taking offense is a choice." That was hard to hear.  When someone hurts me, my first inclination is to defend myself or shut the person out entirely.  That isn't what God teaches us.  I choose, I am in control of whether or not I'm going to be offended. Ever since I made the conscious effort to walk and live in peace the challenges to that mindset hit.  For me to live this way requires that I believe that God is fundamentally good and trustworthy. During this particular exercise I didn't fully believe in either sentiment.  I learned that peace isn't results oriented.  Peace is a state of being and living that I'm in control of. I choose whether or not to take offense and hold on to it.  Living in peace isn't easy! It is NOT a quick fix. Its a new mind/life behavior.

In regards to my mom this means that it is completely acceptable for me to empty myself of tears if that is how I'm feeling at the moment.  It means that I begin to accept the loss.  It means that when I miss my kids I cry and let it out.  Tears are cleansing.  Some times our souls need a means letting the emotions go.  After that is when I have to be careful.  After the weeping is when I have to guard my heart against the thoughts that come at me.  I was not in control of when my mom or baby Ameilia were taken from me.  I was not in control of what had been done to me in court.  Not being in control doesn't explain it, nor does it justify what transpired.  It is just a reminder of what things I am to take ownership of.

I choose to acknowledge how something has made me feel,  If necessary I cry and get angry.  After the emotions have been diffused I choose not to carry the offense with me. I hope that makes sense. I'm not perfect at this technique, but I will say life is becoming smoother.

This weekend is hard. My kids return to the company of their father early on Easter Sunday morning. My husband has to work at the hospital and my son forgetting it was Easter is also working.  I was pretty hurt about it yesterday. I took that hurt, held it and walked around with it.  Didn't necessarily make it enjoyable for me. I realized two things. There will always be times that I will be alone when I didn't anticipate it. Knowing that means I can prepare for it in the future.  The kids leaving tomorrow means that they are here for today! My mom loved any excuse to cook, so I bake. I can almost hear her voice in my head as I put my hands in the bread to knead it.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation" 1 Peter 5:10 NLT.

 Gorgeous flowers - Hyacinth I believe

Some of my family

Baking cinnamon rolls - my mom's recipe

The ability to paint, another gift from my mom.