At a loss for words

I sat down to do my devotions this morning and I didn't have words. Those who know me well, know that very rarely am I at a loss for words.  I didn't know what to say to God. I didn't have words to pray. I guess the best way to describe where I am at today would be to say that I'm numb. 

Grief is an unwieldy beast.  There are days (like Tuesday was for me) where all I wanted to do was cry. I sat in my therapist's office and wept for 50 mins. Sometimes you need to do that. You need to just cry it out. I have spent a lot of time crying and I do not relish it. I do prefer crying over being numb.

It was due to this feeling of being numb that I delayed in writing my post. I mean what do you write about when you are at a loss for words? I'm writing today because I have made a commitment to myself to do so. Developing a discipline, that is what I am engaged in.

I don't have any great words of wisdom. What I can say is that putting one foot in front of the other sometimes requires discipline and commitment because the feelings and the words just aren't there.

Despite my internal feelings of sadness and loss, I did experience goodness, fun and enjoyment.

Winning the people's choice award at my local yarn shop for socks that I knitted.  :-)

Seeing this beauty (my mini me)

Being a part of this dog pile.

May was a rough month

I couldn't write. For the entire month of May I just couldn't write.  It wasn't for a lack of words, feelings or happenings... I just couldn't sit down and make myself do it.

May 12th is my mothers birthday. On that date this year, my second son Kamal graduated from high school.  May 11 this year was mother's day.  See what I mean? A lot of losses. A lot to work through and I didn't want to do it.

I was told recently that I've hurt some people by my lack of attention to them.  Sadly, at the moment I just don't care. I don't care about the petty goings on of people on the periphery of my life.  Wow that wasn't very christian was it? Oops. Ok so there is more than a touch of sarcasm there.  Honestly, "christian" or not it's the truth.  I'm not saying I don't care about other people, I do.  I just have a hard time caring about other people's reaction to what I'm going through. Since the divorce my life has been rough and I survived it.  Remarriage to an active duty Airman, yeah that complicated my life but I dealt with it.  Add physical challenges and a nasty custody battle, yup persevered through all of that.      Not saying that I didn't cry, scream, vent or get depressed, I did all that but I survived. 

Fast forward a few years and I lost my mom.  I took care of her and watched her die.  She took her last breaths in my arms.  I was the last voice she heard.  I chose that.  I am SO thankful that I was able to be there, even now I wouldn't change it.  The hard part is that losing my mother on top of everything else has changed me. I've been altered.  I've said it before, this is a new normal, the old Dilshani just doesn't exist any more.  The new me isn't as soft and so eager to please as I was before.  The new me cares less about people's opinion.  I'm more calloused than I used to be.  I won't apologize for that, at least not now.  Maybe at a later date, then again, maybe not. I don't know.  The same person that told me that I've hurt some people also asked me why I am able to give grace to some people and not to others.  I don't know if I can adequately explain, but I'm going to try. I have sustained some huge losses in my life.  Up until the death of my mother I did my best to battle through all of it.  Some "well intentioned" individuals have said some stupid things to me, and yet I buried my hurt and continued to try and appease those very people that hurt me.  All this in the name of being a "christian." Here's the problem bury stuff long enough and you get resentful. Ok maybe you don't but I did.  So then my mother died. When she died a lot of people expected a lot of me and I stepped up to the plate. I put my grieving on hold so that I could take care of my kids, my husband, my other family members.  I kept saying that when I got back home I would grieve.  When I got back to New Mexico my life didn't stop it kept going and I tried to juggle life and my loss.  It didn't work too well. Something had to give. What gave was relationships that needed more than I had to give at the time.  Sad as it may be, I am ok with it.  You see the people that have stuck are the ones who understand this: right now I don't have a lot to give. Most days I am emotionally spent. I give what I can and then I'm done. 

I often call Marcie my complaint department.  She and I joke that I am allowed to give her phone number to those people who would like to complain about me and my lack of sensitivity to them.  Marcie is one of my best friends.  She had a baby a couple months back. She is one of my best friends and I wasn't there for her - she never held it against me.  There were times that she needed to vent and I just wasn't around.  She forgave me for that too. Laura S. we rarely get to talk anymore, just because life has got in the way, and yet if I text her she responds. The sister of my heart, Claudia, was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of stuff and she made the effort to ask me how I was doing and wanted the honest truth. Does this sound selfish? You are absolutely right it does. I am selfish. I am ok with that.  The people closest too me are ok with that too.

There is no time limit on grief.  There is no way to quantify how anyone deals with it. I'm not over my mom's death. There are days that feel like I'm moving on and there are days when I'm knocked on my ass.  I do my very best to put on a good front. I do this because the average person that asks me how I'm doing, doesn't need to know the whole truth.  If you ask me how I'm doing, and I say I'm hanging in here, that's honest.

I've said all this to say, if you're one of the people who's feelings got hurt because I didn't respond to you the way you expected - please lower your expectations of me.  I have survived a lot and if I'm not as compassionate to your stuff - I'm sorry. I'm not perfect, I'm not a good "christian" and there are probably many that would say I'm not a good friend. I accept all of that. I'm sorry if anyone reading this feels as if they didn't get as much as they were expecting out of the relationship. I'm doing the best I can. I am hurting. I miss my mom, its not a crutch, its not an excuse - its my reality.

Kamal's graduation - bittersweet

   Prayers that others have prayed

My precious mommy

Getting Up Slowly

The sensation I'm experiences feels like I'm falling slowly.  Grief is weird you know?  Maybe you don't...You get stuck in this window of time and expect to move at the same rate and it doesn't. Life moves a lot faster than I'm ready for.  I'm not ready for everything; however, I am ready to take little steps.

One of those things I'm working on is living in a state of peace.  Up until recently I had a real misconception of what "living in Peace" meant.  Peace isn't the absence of pain, loss, or emotions.  Peace isn't turning a blind eye to the offenses received from other people and situations.  I've learned this week that in order to live in peace you have to begin by changing your mindset.  Feelings are valid. Refusing to acknowledge them only breeds resentment.  Being offended however is a choice.  I've been hurt many times over by family and non-family.  This situation isn't unique to me.  Allowing myself the freedom to feel the feeling and acknowledging it perfectly fine, what I do as a result of that feeling that I have to guard against.  For example, I learned from my friend Cullen recently that, "Taking offense is a choice." That was hard to hear.  When someone hurts me, my first inclination is to defend myself or shut the person out entirely.  That isn't what God teaches us.  I choose, I am in control of whether or not I'm going to be offended. Ever since I made the conscious effort to walk and live in peace the challenges to that mindset hit.  For me to live this way requires that I believe that God is fundamentally good and trustworthy. During this particular exercise I didn't fully believe in either sentiment.  I learned that peace isn't results oriented.  Peace is a state of being and living that I'm in control of. I choose whether or not to take offense and hold on to it.  Living in peace isn't easy! It is NOT a quick fix. Its a new mind/life behavior.

In regards to my mom this means that it is completely acceptable for me to empty myself of tears if that is how I'm feeling at the moment.  It means that I begin to accept the loss.  It means that when I miss my kids I cry and let it out.  Tears are cleansing.  Some times our souls need a means letting the emotions go.  After that is when I have to be careful.  After the weeping is when I have to guard my heart against the thoughts that come at me.  I was not in control of when my mom or baby Ameilia were taken from me.  I was not in control of what had been done to me in court.  Not being in control doesn't explain it, nor does it justify what transpired.  It is just a reminder of what things I am to take ownership of.

I choose to acknowledge how something has made me feel,  If necessary I cry and get angry.  After the emotions have been diffused I choose not to carry the offense with me. I hope that makes sense. I'm not perfect at this technique, but I will say life is becoming smoother.

This weekend is hard. My kids return to the company of their father early on Easter Sunday morning. My husband has to work at the hospital and my son forgetting it was Easter is also working.  I was pretty hurt about it yesterday. I took that hurt, held it and walked around with it.  Didn't necessarily make it enjoyable for me. I realized two things. There will always be times that I will be alone when I didn't anticipate it. Knowing that means I can prepare for it in the future.  The kids leaving tomorrow means that they are here for today! My mom loved any excuse to cook, so I bake. I can almost hear her voice in my head as I put my hands in the bread to knead it.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation" 1 Peter 5:10 NLT.

 Gorgeous flowers - Hyacinth I believe

Some of my family

Baking cinnamon rolls - my mom's recipe

The ability to paint, another gift from my mom.