Tipping Point

I have been here before, I just didn't know it. I would love to say that I just wasn't as self aware as I am now. Truthfully, the likely cause is the fact that I was too busy being angry or hurt not to realize that I was approaching a fork in the road. With my emotions roiling I have often chosen the path that assuages my feelings.  The problem is that while feelings are real and at times painful, they are fleeting.

So here I am.  Unlike moments long gone, I was moving slow enough that I could see where I was. Today, I was once again given the opportunity to look over my shoulder and get stuck there. I had a choice to make. Wallow in the pain or choose to turn around and move forward. I am choosing to make forward progress. It is HARD. Acknowledging that something important has been stolen and that it can never be made right is hard. Choosing to turn around is difficult, painful even; however, it is the right thing to do.

Lately, I have been reminded that others have lost far more than I have. This knowledge does not make my loss any less painful or significant, it simply serves to give me perspective.  I am hurt, I am grieved by the injustice; however, I will not be engaged with it.  Even as the past reaches towards me in an attempt to keep me tangled and thereby preventing my forward progress, I will keep moving forward.

Reminders of what I have:

Balancing Act

Life is a strange balancing act isn't it? I have missed two days of blogging because the balancing act called life tripped me up a bit. I have physical issues, I have ex spouse issues and then I have grieving issues.  My therapist tells me that I need to do more self-care.

Self-care? Really? Yes, really. Everything is finite. There are limits to my level of energy, there are limits to my ability to cope, there are limits to my empathy for others - you get the idea. I have spent so much of my life taking care of other people that I have lost sight of what self-care really means. Due to circumstances beyond my control I had the opportunity to reflect on what taking care of myself really looks like.

For me, what this means is accepting that life isn't fair. You can be right, you can be the good person and yet you can (and there are instances where you may) get the raw end of the deal. I have fought a custody battle for 7 years. The former spouse has used the letter of the law to manipulate the spirit of the law and deny me my rights. I have screamed at the top of my lungs it would appear that "it isn't fair!" While people will commiserate that it isn't fair - there isn't anything anyone can do for me. The only way to take care of myself is to accept it and move on.

Move on, now there is an interesting phrase. In order to move on you have to start walking away from something, a point of reference.  For me, I have to walk away from what I thought co-parenting would look like. I have to walk away from my idea of what being a mother is. Hard stuff.

Letting other people take care of their own stuff isn't easy, especially when those "other people" are related to you. My kids are old enough to realize that at some point they have to take ownership of their relationships and as one of their parents I have to step back and let them. Not easy.

There it is again, find the balance between holding on and letting go.

Finding joy is sometimes as simple as getting gorgeous shoes cheap. Steve Maddens for $11.22 :-)

Pumpkin soup from scratch. Mmmmm. Yummy!

A corn maze....

At a loss for words

I sat down to do my devotions this morning and I didn't have words. Those who know me well, know that very rarely am I at a loss for words.  I didn't know what to say to God. I didn't have words to pray. I guess the best way to describe where I am at today would be to say that I'm numb. 

Grief is an unwieldy beast.  There are days (like Tuesday was for me) where all I wanted to do was cry. I sat in my therapist's office and wept for 50 mins. Sometimes you need to do that. You need to just cry it out. I have spent a lot of time crying and I do not relish it. I do prefer crying over being numb.

It was due to this feeling of being numb that I delayed in writing my post. I mean what do you write about when you are at a loss for words? I'm writing today because I have made a commitment to myself to do so. Developing a discipline, that is what I am engaged in.

I don't have any great words of wisdom. What I can say is that putting one foot in front of the other sometimes requires discipline and commitment because the feelings and the words just aren't there.

Despite my internal feelings of sadness and loss, I did experience goodness, fun and enjoyment.

Winning the people's choice award at my local yarn shop for socks that I knitted.  :-)

Seeing this beauty (my mini me)

Being a part of this dog pile.

Something Orange

Over a year ago, it was fourteen months ago to be precise, I thought I was having a really bad few weeks.  I had no idea at that time that life was about to get worse.  It's all about perspective isn't it? You think the space you are in right now is "____" (fill in the blank with whatever adjective suits you) and in the space of a few minutes, hours, days..... and so on your perspective on the here and now will change.  While our bodies, feelings, situations, even the world around us does change, there are constants! As a lover of math there are so many puns I could insert here, but I won't. :-) I digress.

Sometimes, we have to work harder than others to hold on to those constants.  One constant in my life is my relationship with God. The year gone by has tested that relationship. I would love to say that I know where I am in regards to my relationship with God, but I can't. What I can say is that I'm working it out. I'm working on other stuff as well. I'm working on figuring out who I am, I am working on finishing my MA. In order to make forward progress in my life I found that I needed to go back to the basics. The basics of my blogging started with posting photographs that inspired me and blessed me. Today Ann Voskamp sent out her prompts for the month of October. Since her book is the reason I started blogging, I felt it only appropriate to begin this month's photographic contributions using her prompt for today: "3 Gifts Orange..."

My husband and I happened upon these beauties during our walk this morning. 

An orange classic 

Mysoor Dahl - reminds me of my mom. 

Forward Progress

In football terms forward progress is when you are moving the ball down the field toward the goal. In the year since my mom died, it feels as if I have made very little if any forward progress. Going to work on changing that. The purpose of this blog was to be purposeful in finding the good daily. When my mom died, I shied away from that. This 31 day project is an effort to come back to the beginning. I'm going back to the basics.

31 Days of Forward Progress Series:

Day 1: Something Orange
Day 2: At a loss for words
Day 3: Balancing Act
Day 4: Tipping Point















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When you know what is coming...

At the end of this week, I will have to send two of my kiddos back for the up coming school year.  They are older now, and they know the life that they are returning to.  Sometimes, when you know what's coming it makes the days preceding departure harder.

I feel for my children. I ache for them. I grew up in a typical two parent family. My parents didn't get divorced, we had what could be described as a typical family.  My mother's death has brought about this shift.  It is as if she was this veil that covered the family. She bound us together and kept the moving parts moving.  Now that she's not here, some of the parts have stopped moving and the filter through which we as family viewed each other, well, it has been torn away.  In much the same way, I now see my family in a new light, my children see their parents as they truly are.  In some respects it is hard to watch the revelation come. It is difficult to see the naiveté give way to realism.

This summer has been one of revelation for my two of my children. They have seen the true colors of their parents come out.  Whereas in the in the past few years we have both put on a show so that we seemed to be the well adjusted divorced individual.  In the past few months, that thin veil of deceit got ripped to shreds. The hatred, anger and resentment that roiled just beneath the surface could not be held back anymore and it came roaring to the surface. The heat and force of it melted the veil.  This summer my children learned that some choices have life long consequences. They learned there is a thin line between love and hate.  They saw firsthand what the all consuming need to win at all cost can do to people.

I told my babies that I was sorry.  I was sorry for the innocence lost. I was sorry that they had to see what hatred was capable of doing. I also told them that I was not sorry that they were here.  No matter how ugly the fight became, no matter how much work he has done to devastate my life, I am not sorry that I have my children.  In writing this, I wonder if that is selfish on my part.  Having my children means that they had to experience loss in their young lives.

They have been very clingy in the last few days.  I know why and it is giving me anxiety.  The ex-husband has won this fight by illegal means.  To prove it would take resources I just don't have.  Consequently, we all have to learn to live with what he has done.  We have to live with the fact that I can't fight back anymore. In effect he has won the battle.  This knowledge is not new to me. I have carried the weight of this for six weeks now.  You see, while I was in Illinois caring for my dying mother, the ex-husband out maneuvered me by some illegal and deceptive means and won at this game called custody.  So this means that for another academic year, the kids will live elsewhere.

Those well meaning misunderstanding people on the periphery of my life will say things like, "well you still get to see the kids regularly..." or, "...at least your kids are alive..." another favorite, "...this is God's will...", "...he does have more money so they have a great life..." There is a reason these people are on the periphery of my life. At the moment, I can't take those platitudes.  I understand that they are attempting, albeit badly, at being hopeful and comforting. Nothing anyone says is going to soothe the hurt of the kids departure.  I would be better equipped for their departure if he would spend time with them. If he actually parented them.  But the reality is. to him the kids are just pawns in an ugly fight that he had to have.

I wish I could print this post out and hand it to people when they say weird things to me.  I want to be understood, but at times I don't care that I'm not.  I am so raw right now.  The ground beneath me feels slippery and resembles sinking sand.  I don't have the energy to care about much of anything beyond what I am dealing with.  I have lost "friends" because of this, and I will probably lose some more. That's really ok.  Right now I'm just trying to help my family prepare for and deal with what we know is coming.

Facing today

Sometimes making your mind up is half the battle.  I have chosen to make certain small decisions every day.  These activities are my goal posts.  I attempt to complete these two tasks every day, the rest is icing.

I know that two tasks seems so very simple.  In my current mind set, two tasks seems insurmountable some days.  I'm in this place and time where I have to take conscious care of myself. I have to do or not do the things where the end result is caring for myself.  One of the things that I have been able to accomplish every day is making my bed. My husband Dan will tell you that I have too many pillows on my bed. Well.... I make the bed with a lot of pillows anyway.  Making my bed has so many benefits.  The first one is that I feel this tangible connection and attachment to my mom in the process.  My mom loved to make the bed. She made her bed beautifully and so do I.  Another thing is that my friend Holly is the reason I have this gorgeous bed spread and accent pillows.  Holly is my friend that I run away to.  She is a safe place for me.  Seeing my bed reminds me that Holly exists and is only a phone call away.

The second goal post for the day is finishing a school related task every day.  This is the task that is at times insurmountable. I keep telling myself that I've come this far, I can't quit now.  The problem is that quitting seems so easy.  We will come back to that.

I have this friend in my life, his name is Michael. I've known him for about 20 years.  He was my small group leader at one time.  Michael is just my big brother.  I trust his take on scripture. I accept the words coming out of his mouth as truth. Michael is blunt. Sometimes blunt is needed even if not desired. The content of our last conversation was blunt, necessary and undesired. The bottom line of the conversation came down to context. I was challenged to look at the context of what I am dealing with.

So, what am I dealing with? I am dealing with an enemy that seeks to destroy me, and I don't just mean the spiritual one. I have a real life one.  I can't do anything about him. I can't change who he is, I can't change the results of decisions I made ages ago. While his actions do have an impact in my life, I need to look at those behaviors in context.  Realistically, aside from my emotions, is anyone being directly harmed? No.  Do I have the power to change the fact that he has been given the power to take and use what is so very dear to me? No.  What I do have power over is how I respond and react to what he is doing.  That for me is the difficulty, the rub.  I weep over what I have lost.  I weep over what I perceive as never coming to pass.  My friend Tammy reminds me regularly that while the kids are alive and walking around there is hope. Hope is in so very short supply right now.

I cut my hair. In that moment, I had control over that one decision and I took it.  I think it looks good. Yesterday, I cried. I wept. I missed my mom's lap. I wanted to put my head in her lap and feel the warmth of her hands on my head as I wept.  I loosed the ties around my heart and felt for those moments in time the pain and grief that I had been holding back so tightly.  This hurts. I want to skip this part. I don't want to feel and experience the pain.  There isn't any way through this. There is no relief route.  The road I'm on goes straight through.  What does that look like?

This road is long. From my vantage point I can't gauge it's distance.  In reality every day for the forceable future will hurt.  I can attempt to wall away my soul so as not to experience the pain so acutely. If I chose to do so, what am I teaching my children? For today I will stand on this road. I will take one step and put it in front of another and go as far as I can, and then I will take a break.  I will be honest about how I feel. I will acknowledge the pain and I will develop daily markers to gauge forward progression.  I will deal with today. My mom used to say, not to borrow trouble... I will do my very best.  I will carry on today.

Today, I will be strong. Today, I will make my bed. I will cherish my children. I will look in their faces and mannerisms and see my mom.  If necessary, I will cry.  I will not focus on what is coming.  I will work at being ok for today.

I'm aiming...

This is what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like to me.

a flower that defied the cold and bloomed anyway

A moment in time with my son Nate