Getting Up Slowly

The sensation I'm experiences feels like I'm falling slowly.  Grief is weird you know?  Maybe you don't...You get stuck in this window of time and expect to move at the same rate and it doesn't. Life moves a lot faster than I'm ready for.  I'm not ready for everything; however, I am ready to take little steps.

One of those things I'm working on is living in a state of peace.  Up until recently I had a real misconception of what "living in Peace" meant.  Peace isn't the absence of pain, loss, or emotions.  Peace isn't turning a blind eye to the offenses received from other people and situations.  I've learned this week that in order to live in peace you have to begin by changing your mindset.  Feelings are valid. Refusing to acknowledge them only breeds resentment.  Being offended however is a choice.  I've been hurt many times over by family and non-family.  This situation isn't unique to me.  Allowing myself the freedom to feel the feeling and acknowledging it perfectly fine, what I do as a result of that feeling that I have to guard against.  For example, I learned from my friend Cullen recently that, "Taking offense is a choice." That was hard to hear.  When someone hurts me, my first inclination is to defend myself or shut the person out entirely.  That isn't what God teaches us.  I choose, I am in control of whether or not I'm going to be offended. Ever since I made the conscious effort to walk and live in peace the challenges to that mindset hit.  For me to live this way requires that I believe that God is fundamentally good and trustworthy. During this particular exercise I didn't fully believe in either sentiment.  I learned that peace isn't results oriented.  Peace is a state of being and living that I'm in control of. I choose whether or not to take offense and hold on to it.  Living in peace isn't easy! It is NOT a quick fix. Its a new mind/life behavior.

In regards to my mom this means that it is completely acceptable for me to empty myself of tears if that is how I'm feeling at the moment.  It means that I begin to accept the loss.  It means that when I miss my kids I cry and let it out.  Tears are cleansing.  Some times our souls need a means letting the emotions go.  After that is when I have to be careful.  After the weeping is when I have to guard my heart against the thoughts that come at me.  I was not in control of when my mom or baby Ameilia were taken from me.  I was not in control of what had been done to me in court.  Not being in control doesn't explain it, nor does it justify what transpired.  It is just a reminder of what things I am to take ownership of.

I choose to acknowledge how something has made me feel,  If necessary I cry and get angry.  After the emotions have been diffused I choose not to carry the offense with me. I hope that makes sense. I'm not perfect at this technique, but I will say life is becoming smoother.

This weekend is hard. My kids return to the company of their father early on Easter Sunday morning. My husband has to work at the hospital and my son forgetting it was Easter is also working.  I was pretty hurt about it yesterday. I took that hurt, held it and walked around with it.  Didn't necessarily make it enjoyable for me. I realized two things. There will always be times that I will be alone when I didn't anticipate it. Knowing that means I can prepare for it in the future.  The kids leaving tomorrow means that they are here for today! My mom loved any excuse to cook, so I bake. I can almost hear her voice in my head as I put my hands in the bread to knead it.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation" 1 Peter 5:10 NLT.

 Gorgeous flowers - Hyacinth I believe

Some of my family

Baking cinnamon rolls - my mom's recipe

The ability to paint, another gift from my mom. 

This is not the life I imagined...

This is not where I thought I'd be by now. Ever have that thought?  That thought has been in the fore front of my mind today.

Isn't it funny how easy it is for something trivial like an article or an email from someone no longer in our life to knock one off of the sometimes precarious ledge we sit on? As is now common knowledge for those who read this blog frequently, I have been hit with a lot in months past.  This week I have started to work towards coming to peace with things. I am striving towards moving in a forward direction without losing sight of what is dear to me.

On Tuesday, I received an email from the ex-husband regarding my youngest two children's visitation.  That was the nudge that started the unbalancing act.  My divorce was quick and painless in comparison to the custodial battle that has raged for seven plus years. Seven years of my life, my children's lives, my husband's life and yes the ex's life too.  We have spent seven years and thousands of dollars gridlocked.  In the end he won a pretty big battle last year and to say that I have felt defeated is an understatement.  I told some one that I actually felt broken.  I cried and asked how much is enough.  I begged for an answer. Although calmer now, I still want to know how much suffering is enough?  What if there isn't a limit? That's a scary thought.  From my vantage point I don't think there is a limit. That's an even scarier thought.  I am not so naive as to believe that I have no fault in the divorce or the gridlock that I'm in.  I take responsibility for my involvement.

Involvement.  Now there is an interesting word.  What does it mean exactly?  According to dictionary.com one of the meanings is: "to include as a necessary circumstance..."  I have included the circumstances of the custody battle as a necessary circumstance in my life.  Necessary circumstance - that's pretty weighty.  I have been embroiled in a situation that in my mind was vital to my life.  My children were involved so of course it was vital; however, to be so engaged in it to the exclusion of the growth of my personhood...hmm that wasn't what I had planned.  So now what?

It's time to move forward.  I don't know exactly what that looks like yet. I have been judging myself by the losses in court and I can't do that anymore.  I will always fight for my children but I won't define myself by what happens in court.

The life I'm living now is certainly not one that I would have imagined for myself.  It is however the life that God has allowed me to live. There are days where I feel as if I might break, but I won't.

I am thankful for:

Dan's safe return from what would be his last deployment.

Taking Jake & Mel's pre-deployment photos

The talent God has given me for photography

Thirteen years ago....

Thirteen years ago today at around 2 in the afternoon with my mom at my side I delivered a baby girl at home.  She was born still.  This is a aspect of my life that I have not shared openly before now.  There are very few people in my life (family even) that knew I suffered a loss like this.  Her father and I named her Ameilia.  Sometimes I see her when I sleep. I imagine her regularly.  Today and days past I have wept for all the days that would've been. I cry for my daughter Anika who didn't get to have a big sister here on earth.

I try not to focus on death and loss.  Sadly this is a road that I have been allowed to traverse and loss is an intimate partner in my walk theses days.  Today, Claudia came and spent the day with me.  We didn't talk about Ameilia today we just hung out.  Claudia has been a gift that I am SO glad to have been given.  I'm sad that we share so many things. I'm sorry that she has suffered in some of the same ways that I have. I wish she could've been spared loss.  Her losses have given her an understanding of how to treat someone like me. For that I am grateful.

Someone like me is someone who is raw around the edges.  I'm sensitive. I'm more withdrawn than I used to be. Someone like me needs understanding. I need to cry a lot. I need to sleep a lot. Sometimes I need to just talk a lot about what I've lost. When someone in your life goes through a hard season in their life, try to be like Claudia.  Here are some of what she has done for me:

1. She has had no expectations of me. I am allowed to just be me.  Even on the worst days she has not tried to make me "see the good..."

2. She has let me cry ~ repeatedly.

3. She has just been there. Today she sat here knit, laughed, watched movies and was just here.

These are just a few of the things my dear friend and sister has done for me.  But these are the things that those of you who are not her can easily replicate.

One of the things that she has never done is try to force me to be grateful for all the good things.  I'm aware of the good things in my life.  I don't need to be reminded of what I do have.  I have needed, and sometimes still need, the room to grieve what I have lost.  The people that I have allowed to be close to me at this time know one key thing, I'm not going to get stuck here.  I'm not going to live in this space forever.  These precious people know that, so therefore, they aren't trying to force me out of where I am.  I understand that people are well meaning.  I get it that death, loss and tragic life events make people uncomfortable.  If you're uncomfortable then don't say anything.

Couple things I have to get off my chest...I don't live under a black cloud! God isn't punishing me! If you feel otherwise then go unfriend me on Facebook or something. Sometimes really bad things happen in succession. I can't help the fact that my daughter died before she was born. I can't help the fact that my mom died. My custodial situation is a nightmare and my health has taken a beating. I have become less and less communicative because of how offended some people have become at my life circumstances.  Did I mention that it is my life and not theirs that has been negatively impacted? Anyway, I digress...

In the midst of all of this, there have been some really really good things I have been blessed with. Despite my lack of communication people have stepped in and provided meals, books to read and much needed company. I have made new friends and have let some people go. I have had the opportunity to read a few awesome books. My relationship with God is growing in a way that I didn't think was possible. I am developing a greater understanding of the difference between justice and fairness.  I have been knitting - a lot.

In closing I would like to say, my life has been painful and difficult; however, in the midst of it I am even more keenly aware that God hasn't let go of me.  I feel as if I'm being rubbed so very thin, but maybe that's the point. Just like Claudia's losses make her sensitive and gracious to me, hopefully my life will make me more gracious to all those I meet.

Here are some of the things that have made me smile and reminded me of God's goodness...

FANTASTIC book. 

Presents in the mail!

Smart boy!

Sometimes its the simplest things...

Making the bed; simple, repetitive, generally monotonous.  That's how I would describe making the bed.  I have not been good at making my bed daily.  There are a lot of things that I have not been consistent in "doing" for some time.  Depression does that to you.  Depression sings the song of "What's the Point?" all day long in my head some days.  There are days that become weeks that turn into months that I hum right along.

For those of you who are blessed not to suffer from depression, let me give you a little insight into the lives of those of us who do suffer from it.  Yes, suffer is the right word.  No, I'm not exaggerating.  Depression isn't a choice that you make.  In the same manner, you can't simply choose to not be depressed.  Did you know that some of the happiest people you encounter, could actually be suffering with depression?  Just because someone may look happy on the outside, doesn't mean that everything is how it should be on the inside.  In the same way that the flu can manifest itself differently from one person to the next, so too can depression.  What causes depression? The causes are as unique as the person struggling with it.

In my life depression has manifested due to some significant traumas and losses that I sustained over a period of time.  The death of my mother was the real tipping point for me.  One of the lies that the depression told me was that I was broken and I wouldn't survive this.  As my friend Angie reminded me today, I have a 100% track record of success  when it comes to surviving.  I like that perspective.  Remember, how I said that people can't choose not to be depressed?  While you can't choose not to be  depressed, you can choose to do small things, simple things to make you feel better.  Little success to build upon.

Today's small steps began with making my bed.  Yup, just making my bed.  I have a beautiful bed.  I love my sheets and I really love my comforter set and all my pillows (there are quite a few).  When I visited my friend Holly in Virginia last fall, her made bed inspired me.  It is gorgeous! Holly's whole house is gorgeous, a reflection of the person who decorated it, but I digress.  At any rate, I realized that my bed wasn't beautiful or inviting.  Holly fixed that.  Now I have a bed that I love to make every day.  Small steps.

I am so blessed.  I have these amazing friends in my life that lift me up.  They encourage and support me.  My friend Claudia has suffered some of the same losses as I have and she's farther along on this road that I find myself on.  You know what though? She encourages me everyday.  She chooses to allow me to talk and process out loud without trying to fix where I'm at, even if it brings up some pain for her.  Holly is my home away from home.  She is my run away destination. Angie is my cheerleader.  These are just three of the many women in my life that are walking the road of life with me.  

Another thing that depression has done is to cloud my vision of God.  Sometimes I struggle to see Him as good.  Today I see His goodness in the friends (many not named here) that choose to be in my life.  Little things, just like making the bed.

My beautifully made bed, re-arranging of the pillows courtesy of Elliepie

Angie's post from this morning

My bud Angie! Love her!!

I couldn't talk about our friendship without posting a picture of how nutty we are. 

My gorgeous friend Holly & her puppy Luca

My newest friend the lovely Claudia.

Photo credit: http://claudiadonnellydesigns.blogspot.com

You're going to be okay....that's the title of the book...

It's 1:00a.m. and I'm listening to a song entitled "You'll Be Okay" by A Great Big World.

It would seem that the theme for this evening is that I'm going to be be okay.  My friend Tiffany asked me to hang out with her tonight.  We went to Barnes & Noble and I happened to come across this book entitled "You're Going To Be Okay," written by Holley Gerth.  On a whim I decided to purchase it.  On my way to the checkout the song that started playing was, "You'll Be Okay." Coincidence? Maybe. Special? Absolutely.

See, right now I don't feel it.  Right now, I desperately want to talk to my mom.  I miss her.  I miss her wisdom.  I miss the fact that when I didn't feel well I could call her and she would pray for me.  My mom had this deep and abiding faith in God.  To be perfectly honest, I don't.  Not all the time anyway.  Faith or not, feeling it or not, I have hope.  I have hope in the fact that I will be okay.

I will be okay.  I know that.  Eventually, I will adapt.  I will become accustomed to the hole in my heart.  The sharp pain will always be there, the missing will always be apart of me, but I will be okay.  Right now, instead of fighting how I feel, in stead of trying not to feel, I will choose to allow myself the room to experience the sorrow.  I can feel this way, I can grieve, knowing that there is a way to be okay despite the broken and missing pieces.

Well meaning people, family even, have said that eventually I will understand. I don't know about that. I don't know that there is a way to comprehend the losses I've sustained and be alright with them.  But you know what? Understanding something doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.

So now what? The "What's Next?" is happening right now. I am writing.  I am focusing on the fact that I believe I was supposed to hear the song and buy the book.  I am choosing to believe that my mom is reminding me that I will be okay.  My mom was a trooper.  She was a tough cookie.  Not a saint by any means, but definitely a woman of grace and strength. She always had hope, she always believed that life would turn out alright.  She believed in a good God.  She had staying power.  She ascribed to the belief that to everything there is a season.  She carried on, and so will I.

As I write this I am wrapped in this amazingly soft shawl, knit just for me by a friend of mine Sharon, in Canada.  I have been blessed by making some new friends recently and reconnecting with some old (not in age) ones.  In the writing of this post, I realize how strong I am. I realize that my mom isn't gone, she's just not here.  I'm reminded that I'm not alone.  I have friends and family that surround me.  I have a faith in God that sustains me even when I don't feel it.  I also have hope in knowing that I am going to be okay.

"And I will be strong, when love is gone, I'll carry on..."

My shawl

My mom & Bean

The shawl I'm knitting designed by my friend Claudia

http://www.metrolyrics.com/youll-be-okay-lyrics-a-great-big-world.html

Today was a good day....

Today was a good day! My day included snowfall, a fire in the fireplace, coffee with a new friend, and a surprise card card from my husband. 

For the first time in a long time I am able to be thankful. I am thankful for snow fall.  I love snow.  Cold weather without snow is pointless in my opinion. At any rate, I'm thankful we got snow.

Nothing goes better with snowfall than a fire in the fireplace. My husband, amazing man that he is, started a fire in the fire place for me before he left for school.

Anyone that knows me knows that one of my favorite pastimes is knitting.  Since it was cold & snowy outside and I had a beautiful fire inside, I took advantage of the situation and went I search of some yarn. While in search of said fibre I came across some of my mom's belongings.  I had forgotten that I had put the items in my spare room. For the first time since coming home, I was able to feel some comfort not just sorrow when I held something of hers.  Don't get me wrong, I still ache with missing my mom.  I would give my left arm (I'm left handed) to have her here; however, I was able to miss her and remember her without the memories breaking me. I realize that there will be days when I break. There will be days when missing my mom will overwhelm me, but today is not that day. Today was a good day.

Ok back to the knitting. Instead of starting another new project I decided to work on a shawl I started a few days ago.  This shawl pattern was designed by my new friend Claudia. I had the privilege of having coffee with Claudia today. Claudia is a kindred spirit, to quote Anne Shirley. She understands my grief because she's walked it. While I am truly sorry for her loss, I am grateful for her understanding.

I'm also grateful for a husband that gives me cards, just because.

Today was a really good day! 

Snowfall

Fire in the fireplace

The shawl Claudia designed

Just because Daniel loves me...

Being Honest

I've avoided writing because I haven't really wanted to be honest.  I want to be able to say how well I'm doing. I want to be able to say that "I'm getting through this.." What I've really been doing is avoiding the potential for judgement because I'm not where I "should" be on someone else's timeline for grief.

I'm angry.
I hate that I have to be in this place. I hate that my mom isn't here. I hate that I was sick and she wasn't on the other end of the phone just talking to me.  I hate that people are human and say stupid inconsiderate stuff.  I hate that I'm so raw at times that I don't deal with people gracefully.

4 months.  That's how long its been since my mom died.  To some people that seems like a long time.  To other's its "enough" time.  To still others, it's time for me to start moving forward.

To those that would say it's a long time, my response is this: there are moments when a minute seems like an eternity.  It's all about perspective.

To the one's that think it has been "enough" time. I'd like to ask, how do you know? How does one quantify time?  Do you think four months is the adequate amount of time someone should grieve? Or is it that maybe, you've had enough? If that's the case, please don't ask me how I'm doing.  Please don't get mad if I don't talk.  No harm no foul. Just FYI, no amount of time will have been "enough" for me to to get accustomed to my loss.

In regards to moving forward... oh there is much I could say.  I am not stuck.  I'm not wallowing.  This isn't a pity partying I'm having.  I'm hurt. I'm wounded.  I have a gaping hole in my heart that hasn't begun to heal yet.  Please understand, I'm not looking for anyone to fix this.  My mom being taking way to early from this life isn't something that anyone can fix.  The fact that I'm hurting isn't something that can be fixed either.  Grief isn't something I get through or move from.  Grief is a new normal that I have to learn to adapt to.  I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am functioning.  There are days where I hurt.  Sometimes missing my Mom requires me to pause for a while, that's all.  Some of you will understand that, and some of you won't.  That's ok.

I haven't found my new normal yet.  There are days when I have awesome moments.  Moments where I laugh till I cry.  Times when I am joyful.  There are good days.  None of those days or moments in time can soothe the hurt when my mind reminds me that my Mom isn't here to listen to all that I would love to share with her.  In a year, I may be doing better than I am right now.  Then again maybe I won't.  The bottom line is, I just don't know.  The person I was before would apologize for being where I'm at, the person I've become won't do that.

I'm going to attempt to blog every day.  It won't always be pretty.  It may not be pretty for a long time.  The only thing I can promise is that I will be honest.  That's the beauty of the internet though isn't it? If someone doesn't like what I have to say, they don't have to continue reading!

And on that note, on to posting some recent photos I've shot.

I've been bathed in fire..

My favorite photo of that night....

Light and dark