Insomnia

It is 1:41a.m. And I can't sleep.  It would seem that in the last two months this has become my new normal.  New normal. That's a phrase I've been hearing a lot lately.  I guess it's meant to gently prod me forward. 

Honestly I'm having a real difficult time with the forward progression thing. As hard as I try there are days where I can't get one foot to move infront of the other. To move forward for me means to leave something behind. In this case it's the hopes and dreams, the expectations of a life I'd imagined that I'm leaving behind. I'm struggling with the reality that the place I'm heading towards isn't necessarily one of my choosing. Given the choice I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be grappling with trying to find my new normal.

My new normal is rife with loss and pain. It's full of hurt and anger. It is a place in which I am keenly aware of all that has been taken from me. In moments like this, and like so many moments that have gone before, I hate my new normal.

While there are gifts that I've been given in the time since I last wrote, I haven't been able to capture them.  Today my photographic offerings are reflective of where I am...

Foggy morning...

Stormy clouds gathering

Far from home

Cherished memories of a shared experience...

I am a motherless mother

Four weeks ago today my mother stepped into eternity. The ups and downs of the last four weeks have been rough. Around each corner I find new situations that I have to face without her.  I hate it.

Today my second eldest son got injured and I needed to talk to my mom and she wasn't here. This is the first time something has happened to one of my kids that she hasn't been an available sounding board. I feel lost.

In the midst of this some incredible women have stepped into my life and loved on me in ways my mom would have.

Today's gifts:

Rosemary from my friend Sandra T

A scripture I found on the web...

Knitting I did with my friend Becks!

Thoughtful treats from my friend Kristy L

My friend SarahBeth giving me an opportunity to be creative

Hanging with my friend Angie just catching up

When does ache soften?

I have nothing insightful to share today other than the fact that I miss my mom.  I was with my friend Sarah last night and we were painting.  The first thing I wanted to do was text a picture of what I had painted to my mother.
My mother wasn't a saint, neither am I; however, she loved her God deeply and with a steadfastness that I envy at times.
Tonight, as I sit here and miss her, I cry. The tears surprise me. They well up and over flow at the most unusual times.
The pain 25 days later is still razor sharp. The ache and the loneliness in my heart hasn't softened yet.  I doubt it ever will.

Today's gifts:

Sweet memories

Her smile

Painting

Sharing in a friend's accomplishment

The magic of lace 

Struggling

I am struggling. I didn't expect the grief to hit me and at times overcome me the way that it has. Grief is like a fog. A little unclear at first, hazy even but then it grows, it gathers, it moves in around me and engulfs me. That's how I feel, engulfed. Surrounded by something I can't touch and yet feels as if it has the strength to suffocate me. In the midst of all of it God speaks to me through 

During my quiet time I discovered the following passages of scripture, they are:

Psalm 34:4-6 which states, "I sought the Lord, and He heard me. And delivered me from all my fears.  They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed.  This poor [woman] cried out, and the Lord heard [her] and saved [her] out of all [her] troubles" (NKJV).

I Corinthians 1:3-4, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" (NKJV).

Deliverance and comfort.  The very things I need that is what God promises me if I come to Him. Despite the loneliness I feel, despite the loss, all I have to do is seek Him and He will hear me and deliver me. Deliverance isn't necessarily a way out, but it is a way through.  God hasn't promised that He will exempt me from all trouble, or that He will give me a life free of hardship, but He does promise a way through it. A means of walking through that includes His constant presence and comfort.

I don't like this struggle, I despise the ache I feel; however, God is true to His word and continues to comfort me in the midst of it.

Today's gifts:

Toasty warm mittens that I knit...

Surprises in the mail...

Learning a new skill - how to carve a stamp

The love and thoughtfulness of my friend Tammy

Hot air balloons filling the sky

Seeing my favorite show represented at Balloon Fiesta

Perspective

Have you noticed how changing your perspective on something can change your opinion of it? When my kids were little they would bring me their "art" and sadly I couldn't decipher any thing in it.  Then when they explained their ideas to me I was able to see what they were trying to express.

In the same manner, I've noticed in my life that sometimes I need a change in perspective in order to be thankful.

Sometimes being really focused on a circumstance or situation can cause you to see only the flaws or the negatives.  At times stepping back is what you need to do in order to gain perspective or see the bigger picture. There will be times when stepping back doesn't do anything but give you space. I have been up close and personal with some pretty big losses in the last few months and despite stepping back I haven't been able to see the big picture or even begin to grasp God's plan; yet here I sit.  

I don't know what God is doing, or why He has allowed what He has, but I do know that He is good.  And to quote a friend of mine named Nate, "Despite all the appearances, God is in control." Knowing He is in control allows and encourages me to change my perspective and to focus on His goodness and not on what "appears" to be a lack of it.

Today's gifts:

The love and thoughtfulness of a friend

Surprise gifts in the mail

Hot air balloons 

Freezing outside together

Used books

I miss her...

Today was a rough day. I miss my mom so much. Grief is this ugly beast that sometimes can catch you unawares. Today I am struggling to be thankful. I am not thankful that my mom is gone. I am thankful for the time I was given, even though I don't feel as if it was enough..

I choose to give thanks to God for the following:

My husband's excellent care of my mom

She maintained her sense of humor

She would often hold my hand 

My parents

My rock & anchor

Trust and Thankfulness

"At all times and for everything giving thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father." Ephesians 5:20 (AMP)

Have you noticed how thanksgiving and trust go hand in hand? This seems to be the theme in my devotions and life experiences. In both areas it's a matter of choice. I have to choose to trust even when I don't understand and I have to choose to be thankful even when I don't feel like it.  

I do not understand why I've been allowed to walk this road, I don't feel like being thankful. Today was a rough day. The quiet around my house was disconcerting. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to get dressed, and yet I chose to put one foot in front of the other. In the same manner I am choosing to trust in He who knows all, and sees all, and CARES about it all. I am choosing to look at all I've been given both today and in days past and recognize the fact that He is good. 

Sand 

The vastness of the ocean.

Yellow roses

Apples that we picked as a family. 

Family fun. A reminder that I am connected. 

Mountains 

Sisterhood

Seeing my mom in the faces of my children.

Looking back

It has been fifteen days since I've written. Fifteen days of having my heart broken a little at a time. In the time since I've written I've watched my mother slip a little bit more from this life.  On the 25th day of September my mother went home to be with The Lord. The day she died I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. 

I didn't realize in the caring of my mother I was waiting, waiting for what happened next. In doing so I failed to recognize the gifts I'd been given.  Now, given the time and space to be able to reflect I can see the goodness of God, His faithfulness and the many gifts He bestowed on me.

Beginning today and going forward, I will reflect not only on daily gifts but also the ones I've received during the last 20 days of my mothers precious life. 

Today's gifts:

1. Hearing my mom tell me she loved me

2. People magazine

3. Daniel

4. Walking my mom home.

5. Sunset

Rain

I absolutely love the smell of rain. Today in Rockford the rain has been steadily falling. Consistently just pouring from the sky. Not the thunderous violent kind of rain but the gentle steady flow, the soothing kind. It's been a soothing kind of day inside as well. 

Fall is definitely here and the temperature is getting cooler, the weather is getting wetter, we are being prepared for the coming winter. In a lot of ways I feel as if God's been preparing my heart for the time that's coming. In more than one aspect of life I've questioned God's goodness and knowledge. Just like the fall prepares us for winter, I feel as if the circumstances I've experienced in the last few months have prepared me to lean on Him and see Him like I never have before.

Today's gifts:

1. Beautiful fall leaves

2. Lush greenery

3. A feisty wet puppy

4. Hand knit socks

5. A Seahawks win!

I

Weariness...

I am weary. Despite being bone tired I've had some really good moments that are gifts from God. So thankful for not walking this journey called life alone. I haven't got many words to share really, but quite a few pictures. Hope you get a feel for where I'm at and all that I'm thankful for. 

Singing with the family

Cheesecake so good Aulbrey & I practically licked the containers

Super soft yarn

My mischievous cousin Hiran! Love the smile that hasn't ever changed

An example of a strong marriage 

Love 

Peacefully sleeping puppies

Thrift store shopping

Beautiful handmade earrings