Choices

I had the most incredible Easter! During the past week, I was acutely aware that Sunday was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Holding it together was my only aspiration.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I am studying the subject matter of "living in peace." As I put feet on this topic I'm discovering a lot about myself and my relationships.  The key point for me surrounds the choices I make.  My friend Cullen said to me, "...you choose whether or not you're going to accept the offense..." Simple statement, big impact, hard to practice.  I have found out how hard it is not to hold on to hurt or wounds once they have been inflicted.  It comes down to a choice. As my friend and accountability partner Larissa says to me, "...you have choose whether or not you value the relationship more than being right..." I'm choosing my relationships. Of course once I made the decision I had multiple opportunities to put it into practice, not fun. Not fun, but choosing to love the person and let go of "whatever" is oh so rewarding.

During this time God has been so faithful. You know, making the right decision regardless of your "feelings" will eventually force your feelings to follow suit. I get to choose how I feel.

I've said all that to say, I made a conscious choice last Saturday to implicitly trust God. It was so hard. When the kids got here I decided in my head that we were going to enjoy our time together. Period. I took so many pictures. We laughed so much. About midweek I discovered that Dan and Kamal would not be home on Sunday. It was Easter and the kiddos had and early return flight! It took me about a day or so to wrap my head around the fact that I would not have any of my blood family with me on this holiday. This Easter is my first without my mom. There it is again - loss. I was faced with a choice. Focus on what I didn't have or choose to have a good day. I chose the latter. I chose to focus on all the good, and then God blessed me so abundantly!

First, my friend Theresa-Sherrell woke up at 4:30a.m. to drive the kids and I to the airport! Did I mention it was 4 dark thirty in the morning? She made a trip that was already filled with anxiety and sadness for me so much fun. She had the kids and I laughing the entire time! Blessed! Despite it not being her regular church T graciously drove and attended service at my church with me. While I was getting dressed I got a flower delivery. On Easter Sunday, I got a flower delivery?! My Dad, son Michael, sister Rini and brother Dave had sent me a hydrangea plant. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Another blessing. While at church my husband texts me to say that he won't be at the hospital as long as he thought and he would be home for lunch. Easter is turning out well. The icing on my cake was having my friend Jamin in town and having him over. We laughed, oh how we laughed! We sang (I was introduced to Betty Who - love it!) and had fantastic conversation. Then my friend Mel joined us bringing her amazing turtle cheesecake with her for a Twilight marathon (don't judge). So blessed!

I made the choice to find the good. I was determined to trust God and know that Easter was going to be good. Was it hard? Absolutely! Watching my kids board a plane is never easy. Missing my mom is a daily struggle and some days are just harder than others. Despite these tangible losses I had a fantastic Easter. I chose to focus on what God has given me and the good I do have and He blessed me with so much more! My heart is full!

The photo says it all!

Some of my loves...

The family that's in town...

My flowers!

Yummy!

Getting Up Slowly

The sensation I'm experiences feels like I'm falling slowly.  Grief is weird you know?  Maybe you don't...You get stuck in this window of time and expect to move at the same rate and it doesn't. Life moves a lot faster than I'm ready for.  I'm not ready for everything; however, I am ready to take little steps.

One of those things I'm working on is living in a state of peace.  Up until recently I had a real misconception of what "living in Peace" meant.  Peace isn't the absence of pain, loss, or emotions.  Peace isn't turning a blind eye to the offenses received from other people and situations.  I've learned this week that in order to live in peace you have to begin by changing your mindset.  Feelings are valid. Refusing to acknowledge them only breeds resentment.  Being offended however is a choice.  I've been hurt many times over by family and non-family.  This situation isn't unique to me.  Allowing myself the freedom to feel the feeling and acknowledging it perfectly fine, what I do as a result of that feeling that I have to guard against.  For example, I learned from my friend Cullen recently that, "Taking offense is a choice." That was hard to hear.  When someone hurts me, my first inclination is to defend myself or shut the person out entirely.  That isn't what God teaches us.  I choose, I am in control of whether or not I'm going to be offended. Ever since I made the conscious effort to walk and live in peace the challenges to that mindset hit.  For me to live this way requires that I believe that God is fundamentally good and trustworthy. During this particular exercise I didn't fully believe in either sentiment.  I learned that peace isn't results oriented.  Peace is a state of being and living that I'm in control of. I choose whether or not to take offense and hold on to it.  Living in peace isn't easy! It is NOT a quick fix. Its a new mind/life behavior.

In regards to my mom this means that it is completely acceptable for me to empty myself of tears if that is how I'm feeling at the moment.  It means that I begin to accept the loss.  It means that when I miss my kids I cry and let it out.  Tears are cleansing.  Some times our souls need a means letting the emotions go.  After that is when I have to be careful.  After the weeping is when I have to guard my heart against the thoughts that come at me.  I was not in control of when my mom or baby Ameilia were taken from me.  I was not in control of what had been done to me in court.  Not being in control doesn't explain it, nor does it justify what transpired.  It is just a reminder of what things I am to take ownership of.

I choose to acknowledge how something has made me feel,  If necessary I cry and get angry.  After the emotions have been diffused I choose not to carry the offense with me. I hope that makes sense. I'm not perfect at this technique, but I will say life is becoming smoother.

This weekend is hard. My kids return to the company of their father early on Easter Sunday morning. My husband has to work at the hospital and my son forgetting it was Easter is also working.  I was pretty hurt about it yesterday. I took that hurt, held it and walked around with it.  Didn't necessarily make it enjoyable for me. I realized two things. There will always be times that I will be alone when I didn't anticipate it. Knowing that means I can prepare for it in the future.  The kids leaving tomorrow means that they are here for today! My mom loved any excuse to cook, so I bake. I can almost hear her voice in my head as I put my hands in the bread to knead it.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation" 1 Peter 5:10 NLT.

 Gorgeous flowers - Hyacinth I believe

Some of my family

Baking cinnamon rolls - my mom's recipe

The ability to paint, another gift from my mom. 

This is not the life I imagined...

This is not where I thought I'd be by now. Ever have that thought?  That thought has been in the fore front of my mind today.

Isn't it funny how easy it is for something trivial like an article or an email from someone no longer in our life to knock one off of the sometimes precarious ledge we sit on? As is now common knowledge for those who read this blog frequently, I have been hit with a lot in months past.  This week I have started to work towards coming to peace with things. I am striving towards moving in a forward direction without losing sight of what is dear to me.

On Tuesday, I received an email from the ex-husband regarding my youngest two children's visitation.  That was the nudge that started the unbalancing act.  My divorce was quick and painless in comparison to the custodial battle that has raged for seven plus years. Seven years of my life, my children's lives, my husband's life and yes the ex's life too.  We have spent seven years and thousands of dollars gridlocked.  In the end he won a pretty big battle last year and to say that I have felt defeated is an understatement.  I told some one that I actually felt broken.  I cried and asked how much is enough.  I begged for an answer. Although calmer now, I still want to know how much suffering is enough?  What if there isn't a limit? That's a scary thought.  From my vantage point I don't think there is a limit. That's an even scarier thought.  I am not so naive as to believe that I have no fault in the divorce or the gridlock that I'm in.  I take responsibility for my involvement.

Involvement.  Now there is an interesting word.  What does it mean exactly?  According to dictionary.com one of the meanings is: "to include as a necessary circumstance..."  I have included the circumstances of the custody battle as a necessary circumstance in my life.  Necessary circumstance - that's pretty weighty.  I have been embroiled in a situation that in my mind was vital to my life.  My children were involved so of course it was vital; however, to be so engaged in it to the exclusion of the growth of my personhood...hmm that wasn't what I had planned.  So now what?

It's time to move forward.  I don't know exactly what that looks like yet. I have been judging myself by the losses in court and I can't do that anymore.  I will always fight for my children but I won't define myself by what happens in court.

The life I'm living now is certainly not one that I would have imagined for myself.  It is however the life that God has allowed me to live. There are days where I feel as if I might break, but I won't.

I am thankful for:

Dan's safe return from what would be his last deployment.

Taking Jake & Mel's pre-deployment photos

The talent God has given me for photography

Thirteen years ago....

Thirteen years ago today at around 2 in the afternoon with my mom at my side I delivered a baby girl at home.  She was born still.  This is a aspect of my life that I have not shared openly before now.  There are very few people in my life (family even) that knew I suffered a loss like this.  Her father and I named her Ameilia.  Sometimes I see her when I sleep. I imagine her regularly.  Today and days past I have wept for all the days that would've been. I cry for my daughter Anika who didn't get to have a big sister here on earth.

I try not to focus on death and loss.  Sadly this is a road that I have been allowed to traverse and loss is an intimate partner in my walk theses days.  Today, Claudia came and spent the day with me.  We didn't talk about Ameilia today we just hung out.  Claudia has been a gift that I am SO glad to have been given.  I'm sad that we share so many things. I'm sorry that she has suffered in some of the same ways that I have. I wish she could've been spared loss.  Her losses have given her an understanding of how to treat someone like me. For that I am grateful.

Someone like me is someone who is raw around the edges.  I'm sensitive. I'm more withdrawn than I used to be. Someone like me needs understanding. I need to cry a lot. I need to sleep a lot. Sometimes I need to just talk a lot about what I've lost. When someone in your life goes through a hard season in their life, try to be like Claudia.  Here are some of what she has done for me:

1. She has had no expectations of me. I am allowed to just be me.  Even on the worst days she has not tried to make me "see the good..."

2. She has let me cry ~ repeatedly.

3. She has just been there. Today she sat here knit, laughed, watched movies and was just here.

These are just a few of the things my dear friend and sister has done for me.  But these are the things that those of you who are not her can easily replicate.

One of the things that she has never done is try to force me to be grateful for all the good things.  I'm aware of the good things in my life.  I don't need to be reminded of what I do have.  I have needed, and sometimes still need, the room to grieve what I have lost.  The people that I have allowed to be close to me at this time know one key thing, I'm not going to get stuck here.  I'm not going to live in this space forever.  These precious people know that, so therefore, they aren't trying to force me out of where I am.  I understand that people are well meaning.  I get it that death, loss and tragic life events make people uncomfortable.  If you're uncomfortable then don't say anything.

Couple things I have to get off my chest...I don't live under a black cloud! God isn't punishing me! If you feel otherwise then go unfriend me on Facebook or something. Sometimes really bad things happen in succession. I can't help the fact that my daughter died before she was born. I can't help the fact that my mom died. My custodial situation is a nightmare and my health has taken a beating. I have become less and less communicative because of how offended some people have become at my life circumstances.  Did I mention that it is my life and not theirs that has been negatively impacted? Anyway, I digress...

In the midst of all of this, there have been some really really good things I have been blessed with. Despite my lack of communication people have stepped in and provided meals, books to read and much needed company. I have made new friends and have let some people go. I have had the opportunity to read a few awesome books. My relationship with God is growing in a way that I didn't think was possible. I am developing a greater understanding of the difference between justice and fairness.  I have been knitting - a lot.

In closing I would like to say, my life has been painful and difficult; however, in the midst of it I am even more keenly aware that God hasn't let go of me.  I feel as if I'm being rubbed so very thin, but maybe that's the point. Just like Claudia's losses make her sensitive and gracious to me, hopefully my life will make me more gracious to all those I meet.

Here are some of the things that have made me smile and reminded me of God's goodness...

FANTASTIC book. 

Presents in the mail!

Smart boy!