May 12th is my mothers birthday. On that date this year, my second son Kamal graduated from high school. May 11 this year was mother's day. See what I mean? A lot of losses. A lot to work through and I didn't want to do it.
I was told recently that I've hurt some people by my lack of attention to them. Sadly, at the moment I just don't care. I don't care about the petty goings on of people on the periphery of my life. Wow that wasn't very christian was it? Oops. Ok so there is more than a touch of sarcasm there. Honestly, "christian" or not it's the truth. I'm not saying I don't care about other people, I do. I just have a hard time caring about other people's reaction to what I'm going through. Since the divorce my life has been rough and I survived it. Remarriage to an active duty Airman, yeah that complicated my life but I dealt with it. Add physical challenges and a nasty custody battle, yup persevered through all of that. Not saying that I didn't cry, scream, vent or get depressed, I did all that but I survived.
Fast forward a few years and I lost my mom. I took care of her and watched her die. She took her last breaths in my arms. I was the last voice she heard. I chose that. I am SO thankful that I was able to be there, even now I wouldn't change it. The hard part is that losing my mother on top of everything else has changed me. I've been altered. I've said it before, this is a new normal, the old Dilshani just doesn't exist any more. The new me isn't as soft and so eager to please as I was before. The new me cares less about people's opinion. I'm more calloused than I used to be. I won't apologize for that, at least not now. Maybe at a later date, then again, maybe not. I don't know. The same person that told me that I've hurt some people also asked me why I am able to give grace to some people and not to others. I don't know if I can adequately explain, but I'm going to try. I have sustained some huge losses in my life. Up until the death of my mother I did my best to battle through all of it. Some "well intentioned" individuals have said some stupid things to me, and yet I buried my hurt and continued to try and appease those very people that hurt me. All this in the name of being a "christian." Here's the problem bury stuff long enough and you get resentful. Ok maybe you don't but I did. So then my mother died. When she died a lot of people expected a lot of me and I stepped up to the plate. I put my grieving on hold so that I could take care of my kids, my husband, my other family members. I kept saying that when I got back home I would grieve. When I got back to New Mexico my life didn't stop it kept going and I tried to juggle life and my loss. It didn't work too well. Something had to give. What gave was relationships that needed more than I had to give at the time. Sad as it may be, I am ok with it. You see the people that have stuck are the ones who understand this: right now I don't have a lot to give. Most days I am emotionally spent. I give what I can and then I'm done.
I often call Marcie my complaint department. She and I joke that I am allowed to give her phone number to those people who would like to complain about me and my lack of sensitivity to them. Marcie is one of my best friends. She had a baby a couple months back. She is one of my best friends and I wasn't there for her - she never held it against me. There were times that she needed to vent and I just wasn't around. She forgave me for that too. Laura S. we rarely get to talk anymore, just because life has got in the way, and yet if I text her she responds. The sister of my heart, Claudia, was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of stuff and she made the effort to ask me how I was doing and wanted the honest truth. Does this sound selfish? You are absolutely right it does. I am selfish. I am ok with that. The people closest too me are ok with that too.
There is no time limit on grief. There is no way to quantify how anyone deals with it. I'm not over my mom's death. There are days that feel like I'm moving on and there are days when I'm knocked on my ass. I do my very best to put on a good front. I do this because the average person that asks me how I'm doing, doesn't need to know the whole truth. If you ask me how I'm doing, and I say I'm hanging in here, that's honest.
I've said all this to say, if you're one of the people who's feelings got hurt because I didn't respond to you the way you expected - please lower your expectations of me. I have survived a lot and if I'm not as compassionate to your stuff - I'm sorry. I'm not perfect, I'm not a good "christian" and there are probably many that would say I'm not a good friend. I accept all of that. I'm sorry if anyone reading this feels as if they didn't get as much as they were expecting out of the relationship. I'm doing the best I can. I am hurting. I miss my mom, its not a crutch, its not an excuse - its my reality.
Kamal's graduation - bittersweet
Prayers that others have prayed
My precious mommy
