Tipping Point

I have been here before, I just didn't know it. I would love to say that I just wasn't as self aware as I am now. Truthfully, the likely cause is the fact that I was too busy being angry or hurt not to realize that I was approaching a fork in the road. With my emotions roiling I have often chosen the path that assuages my feelings.  The problem is that while feelings are real and at times painful, they are fleeting.

So here I am.  Unlike moments long gone, I was moving slow enough that I could see where I was. Today, I was once again given the opportunity to look over my shoulder and get stuck there. I had a choice to make. Wallow in the pain or choose to turn around and move forward. I am choosing to make forward progress. It is HARD. Acknowledging that something important has been stolen and that it can never be made right is hard. Choosing to turn around is difficult, painful even; however, it is the right thing to do.

Lately, I have been reminded that others have lost far more than I have. This knowledge does not make my loss any less painful or significant, it simply serves to give me perspective.  I am hurt, I am grieved by the injustice; however, I will not be engaged with it.  Even as the past reaches towards me in an attempt to keep me tangled and thereby preventing my forward progress, I will keep moving forward.

Reminders of what I have:

Balancing Act

Life is a strange balancing act isn't it? I have missed two days of blogging because the balancing act called life tripped me up a bit. I have physical issues, I have ex spouse issues and then I have grieving issues.  My therapist tells me that I need to do more self-care.

Self-care? Really? Yes, really. Everything is finite. There are limits to my level of energy, there are limits to my ability to cope, there are limits to my empathy for others - you get the idea. I have spent so much of my life taking care of other people that I have lost sight of what self-care really means. Due to circumstances beyond my control I had the opportunity to reflect on what taking care of myself really looks like.

For me, what this means is accepting that life isn't fair. You can be right, you can be the good person and yet you can (and there are instances where you may) get the raw end of the deal. I have fought a custody battle for 7 years. The former spouse has used the letter of the law to manipulate the spirit of the law and deny me my rights. I have screamed at the top of my lungs it would appear that "it isn't fair!" While people will commiserate that it isn't fair - there isn't anything anyone can do for me. The only way to take care of myself is to accept it and move on.

Move on, now there is an interesting phrase. In order to move on you have to start walking away from something, a point of reference.  For me, I have to walk away from what I thought co-parenting would look like. I have to walk away from my idea of what being a mother is. Hard stuff.

Letting other people take care of their own stuff isn't easy, especially when those "other people" are related to you. My kids are old enough to realize that at some point they have to take ownership of their relationships and as one of their parents I have to step back and let them. Not easy.

There it is again, find the balance between holding on and letting go.

Finding joy is sometimes as simple as getting gorgeous shoes cheap. Steve Maddens for $11.22 :-)

Pumpkin soup from scratch. Mmmmm. Yummy!

A corn maze....

At a loss for words

I sat down to do my devotions this morning and I didn't have words. Those who know me well, know that very rarely am I at a loss for words.  I didn't know what to say to God. I didn't have words to pray. I guess the best way to describe where I am at today would be to say that I'm numb. 

Grief is an unwieldy beast.  There are days (like Tuesday was for me) where all I wanted to do was cry. I sat in my therapist's office and wept for 50 mins. Sometimes you need to do that. You need to just cry it out. I have spent a lot of time crying and I do not relish it. I do prefer crying over being numb.

It was due to this feeling of being numb that I delayed in writing my post. I mean what do you write about when you are at a loss for words? I'm writing today because I have made a commitment to myself to do so. Developing a discipline, that is what I am engaged in.

I don't have any great words of wisdom. What I can say is that putting one foot in front of the other sometimes requires discipline and commitment because the feelings and the words just aren't there.

Despite my internal feelings of sadness and loss, I did experience goodness, fun and enjoyment.

Winning the people's choice award at my local yarn shop for socks that I knitted.  :-)

Seeing this beauty (my mini me)

Being a part of this dog pile.

Something Orange

Over a year ago, it was fourteen months ago to be precise, I thought I was having a really bad few weeks.  I had no idea at that time that life was about to get worse.  It's all about perspective isn't it? You think the space you are in right now is "____" (fill in the blank with whatever adjective suits you) and in the space of a few minutes, hours, days..... and so on your perspective on the here and now will change.  While our bodies, feelings, situations, even the world around us does change, there are constants! As a lover of math there are so many puns I could insert here, but I won't. :-) I digress.

Sometimes, we have to work harder than others to hold on to those constants.  One constant in my life is my relationship with God. The year gone by has tested that relationship. I would love to say that I know where I am in regards to my relationship with God, but I can't. What I can say is that I'm working it out. I'm working on other stuff as well. I'm working on figuring out who I am, I am working on finishing my MA. In order to make forward progress in my life I found that I needed to go back to the basics. The basics of my blogging started with posting photographs that inspired me and blessed me. Today Ann Voskamp sent out her prompts for the month of October. Since her book is the reason I started blogging, I felt it only appropriate to begin this month's photographic contributions using her prompt for today: "3 Gifts Orange..."

My husband and I happened upon these beauties during our walk this morning. 

An orange classic 

Mysoor Dahl - reminds me of my mom. 

Forward Progress

In football terms forward progress is when you are moving the ball down the field toward the goal. In the year since my mom died, it feels as if I have made very little if any forward progress. Going to work on changing that. The purpose of this blog was to be purposeful in finding the good daily. When my mom died, I shied away from that. This 31 day project is an effort to come back to the beginning. I'm going back to the basics.

31 Days of Forward Progress Series:

Day 1: Something Orange
Day 2: At a loss for words
Day 3: Balancing Act
Day 4: Tipping Point















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