Sometimes its the simplest things...

Making the bed; simple, repetitive, generally monotonous.  That's how I would describe making the bed.  I have not been good at making my bed daily.  There are a lot of things that I have not been consistent in "doing" for some time.  Depression does that to you.  Depression sings the song of "What's the Point?" all day long in my head some days.  There are days that become weeks that turn into months that I hum right along.

For those of you who are blessed not to suffer from depression, let me give you a little insight into the lives of those of us who do suffer from it.  Yes, suffer is the right word.  No, I'm not exaggerating.  Depression isn't a choice that you make.  In the same manner, you can't simply choose to not be depressed.  Did you know that some of the happiest people you encounter, could actually be suffering with depression?  Just because someone may look happy on the outside, doesn't mean that everything is how it should be on the inside.  In the same way that the flu can manifest itself differently from one person to the next, so too can depression.  What causes depression? The causes are as unique as the person struggling with it.

In my life depression has manifested due to some significant traumas and losses that I sustained over a period of time.  The death of my mother was the real tipping point for me.  One of the lies that the depression told me was that I was broken and I wouldn't survive this.  As my friend Angie reminded me today, I have a 100% track record of success  when it comes to surviving.  I like that perspective.  Remember, how I said that people can't choose not to be depressed?  While you can't choose not to be  depressed, you can choose to do small things, simple things to make you feel better.  Little success to build upon.

Today's small steps began with making my bed.  Yup, just making my bed.  I have a beautiful bed.  I love my sheets and I really love my comforter set and all my pillows (there are quite a few).  When I visited my friend Holly in Virginia last fall, her made bed inspired me.  It is gorgeous! Holly's whole house is gorgeous, a reflection of the person who decorated it, but I digress.  At any rate, I realized that my bed wasn't beautiful or inviting.  Holly fixed that.  Now I have a bed that I love to make every day.  Small steps.

I am so blessed.  I have these amazing friends in my life that lift me up.  They encourage and support me.  My friend Claudia has suffered some of the same losses as I have and she's farther along on this road that I find myself on.  You know what though? She encourages me everyday.  She chooses to allow me to talk and process out loud without trying to fix where I'm at, even if it brings up some pain for her.  Holly is my home away from home.  She is my run away destination. Angie is my cheerleader.  These are just three of the many women in my life that are walking the road of life with me.  

Another thing that depression has done is to cloud my vision of God.  Sometimes I struggle to see Him as good.  Today I see His goodness in the friends (many not named here) that choose to be in my life.  Little things, just like making the bed.

My beautifully made bed, re-arranging of the pillows courtesy of Elliepie

Angie's post from this morning

My bud Angie! Love her!!

I couldn't talk about our friendship without posting a picture of how nutty we are. 

My gorgeous friend Holly & her puppy Luca

My newest friend the lovely Claudia.

Photo credit: http://claudiadonnellydesigns.blogspot.com

You're going to be okay....that's the title of the book...

It's 1:00a.m. and I'm listening to a song entitled "You'll Be Okay" by A Great Big World.

It would seem that the theme for this evening is that I'm going to be be okay.  My friend Tiffany asked me to hang out with her tonight.  We went to Barnes & Noble and I happened to come across this book entitled "You're Going To Be Okay," written by Holley Gerth.  On a whim I decided to purchase it.  On my way to the checkout the song that started playing was, "You'll Be Okay." Coincidence? Maybe. Special? Absolutely.

See, right now I don't feel it.  Right now, I desperately want to talk to my mom.  I miss her.  I miss her wisdom.  I miss the fact that when I didn't feel well I could call her and she would pray for me.  My mom had this deep and abiding faith in God.  To be perfectly honest, I don't.  Not all the time anyway.  Faith or not, feeling it or not, I have hope.  I have hope in the fact that I will be okay.

I will be okay.  I know that.  Eventually, I will adapt.  I will become accustomed to the hole in my heart.  The sharp pain will always be there, the missing will always be apart of me, but I will be okay.  Right now, instead of fighting how I feel, in stead of trying not to feel, I will choose to allow myself the room to experience the sorrow.  I can feel this way, I can grieve, knowing that there is a way to be okay despite the broken and missing pieces.

Well meaning people, family even, have said that eventually I will understand. I don't know about that. I don't know that there is a way to comprehend the losses I've sustained and be alright with them.  But you know what? Understanding something doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.

So now what? The "What's Next?" is happening right now. I am writing.  I am focusing on the fact that I believe I was supposed to hear the song and buy the book.  I am choosing to believe that my mom is reminding me that I will be okay.  My mom was a trooper.  She was a tough cookie.  Not a saint by any means, but definitely a woman of grace and strength. She always had hope, she always believed that life would turn out alright.  She believed in a good God.  She had staying power.  She ascribed to the belief that to everything there is a season.  She carried on, and so will I.

As I write this I am wrapped in this amazingly soft shawl, knit just for me by a friend of mine Sharon, in Canada.  I have been blessed by making some new friends recently and reconnecting with some old (not in age) ones.  In the writing of this post, I realize how strong I am. I realize that my mom isn't gone, she's just not here.  I'm reminded that I'm not alone.  I have friends and family that surround me.  I have a faith in God that sustains me even when I don't feel it.  I also have hope in knowing that I am going to be okay.

"And I will be strong, when love is gone, I'll carry on..."

My shawl

My mom & Bean

The shawl I'm knitting designed by my friend Claudia

http://www.metrolyrics.com/youll-be-okay-lyrics-a-great-big-world.html

Today was a good day....

Today was a good day! My day included snowfall, a fire in the fireplace, coffee with a new friend, and a surprise card card from my husband. 

For the first time in a long time I am able to be thankful. I am thankful for snow fall.  I love snow.  Cold weather without snow is pointless in my opinion. At any rate, I'm thankful we got snow.

Nothing goes better with snowfall than a fire in the fireplace. My husband, amazing man that he is, started a fire in the fire place for me before he left for school.

Anyone that knows me knows that one of my favorite pastimes is knitting.  Since it was cold & snowy outside and I had a beautiful fire inside, I took advantage of the situation and went I search of some yarn. While in search of said fibre I came across some of my mom's belongings.  I had forgotten that I had put the items in my spare room. For the first time since coming home, I was able to feel some comfort not just sorrow when I held something of hers.  Don't get me wrong, I still ache with missing my mom.  I would give my left arm (I'm left handed) to have her here; however, I was able to miss her and remember her without the memories breaking me. I realize that there will be days when I break. There will be days when missing my mom will overwhelm me, but today is not that day. Today was a good day.

Ok back to the knitting. Instead of starting another new project I decided to work on a shawl I started a few days ago.  This shawl pattern was designed by my new friend Claudia. I had the privilege of having coffee with Claudia today. Claudia is a kindred spirit, to quote Anne Shirley. She understands my grief because she's walked it. While I am truly sorry for her loss, I am grateful for her understanding.

I'm also grateful for a husband that gives me cards, just because.

Today was a really good day! 

Snowfall

Fire in the fireplace

The shawl Claudia designed

Just because Daniel loves me...

Being Honest

I've avoided writing because I haven't really wanted to be honest.  I want to be able to say how well I'm doing. I want to be able to say that "I'm getting through this.." What I've really been doing is avoiding the potential for judgement because I'm not where I "should" be on someone else's timeline for grief.

I'm angry.
I hate that I have to be in this place. I hate that my mom isn't here. I hate that I was sick and she wasn't on the other end of the phone just talking to me.  I hate that people are human and say stupid inconsiderate stuff.  I hate that I'm so raw at times that I don't deal with people gracefully.

4 months.  That's how long its been since my mom died.  To some people that seems like a long time.  To other's its "enough" time.  To still others, it's time for me to start moving forward.

To those that would say it's a long time, my response is this: there are moments when a minute seems like an eternity.  It's all about perspective.

To the one's that think it has been "enough" time. I'd like to ask, how do you know? How does one quantify time?  Do you think four months is the adequate amount of time someone should grieve? Or is it that maybe, you've had enough? If that's the case, please don't ask me how I'm doing.  Please don't get mad if I don't talk.  No harm no foul. Just FYI, no amount of time will have been "enough" for me to to get accustomed to my loss.

In regards to moving forward... oh there is much I could say.  I am not stuck.  I'm not wallowing.  This isn't a pity partying I'm having.  I'm hurt. I'm wounded.  I have a gaping hole in my heart that hasn't begun to heal yet.  Please understand, I'm not looking for anyone to fix this.  My mom being taking way to early from this life isn't something that anyone can fix.  The fact that I'm hurting isn't something that can be fixed either.  Grief isn't something I get through or move from.  Grief is a new normal that I have to learn to adapt to.  I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am functioning.  There are days where I hurt.  Sometimes missing my Mom requires me to pause for a while, that's all.  Some of you will understand that, and some of you won't.  That's ok.

I haven't found my new normal yet.  There are days when I have awesome moments.  Moments where I laugh till I cry.  Times when I am joyful.  There are good days.  None of those days or moments in time can soothe the hurt when my mind reminds me that my Mom isn't here to listen to all that I would love to share with her.  In a year, I may be doing better than I am right now.  Then again maybe I won't.  The bottom line is, I just don't know.  The person I was before would apologize for being where I'm at, the person I've become won't do that.

I'm going to attempt to blog every day.  It won't always be pretty.  It may not be pretty for a long time.  The only thing I can promise is that I will be honest.  That's the beauty of the internet though isn't it? If someone doesn't like what I have to say, they don't have to continue reading!

And on that note, on to posting some recent photos I've shot.

I've been bathed in fire..

My favorite photo of that night....

Light and dark