Tipping Point

I have been here before, I just didn't know it. I would love to say that I just wasn't as self aware as I am now. Truthfully, the likely cause is the fact that I was too busy being angry or hurt not to realize that I was approaching a fork in the road. With my emotions roiling I have often chosen the path that assuages my feelings.  The problem is that while feelings are real and at times painful, they are fleeting.

So here I am.  Unlike moments long gone, I was moving slow enough that I could see where I was. Today, I was once again given the opportunity to look over my shoulder and get stuck there. I had a choice to make. Wallow in the pain or choose to turn around and move forward. I am choosing to make forward progress. It is HARD. Acknowledging that something important has been stolen and that it can never be made right is hard. Choosing to turn around is difficult, painful even; however, it is the right thing to do.

Lately, I have been reminded that others have lost far more than I have. This knowledge does not make my loss any less painful or significant, it simply serves to give me perspective.  I am hurt, I am grieved by the injustice; however, I will not be engaged with it.  Even as the past reaches towards me in an attempt to keep me tangled and thereby preventing my forward progress, I will keep moving forward.

Reminders of what I have:

Balancing Act

Life is a strange balancing act isn't it? I have missed two days of blogging because the balancing act called life tripped me up a bit. I have physical issues, I have ex spouse issues and then I have grieving issues.  My therapist tells me that I need to do more self-care.

Self-care? Really? Yes, really. Everything is finite. There are limits to my level of energy, there are limits to my ability to cope, there are limits to my empathy for others - you get the idea. I have spent so much of my life taking care of other people that I have lost sight of what self-care really means. Due to circumstances beyond my control I had the opportunity to reflect on what taking care of myself really looks like.

For me, what this means is accepting that life isn't fair. You can be right, you can be the good person and yet you can (and there are instances where you may) get the raw end of the deal. I have fought a custody battle for 7 years. The former spouse has used the letter of the law to manipulate the spirit of the law and deny me my rights. I have screamed at the top of my lungs it would appear that "it isn't fair!" While people will commiserate that it isn't fair - there isn't anything anyone can do for me. The only way to take care of myself is to accept it and move on.

Move on, now there is an interesting phrase. In order to move on you have to start walking away from something, a point of reference.  For me, I have to walk away from what I thought co-parenting would look like. I have to walk away from my idea of what being a mother is. Hard stuff.

Letting other people take care of their own stuff isn't easy, especially when those "other people" are related to you. My kids are old enough to realize that at some point they have to take ownership of their relationships and as one of their parents I have to step back and let them. Not easy.

There it is again, find the balance between holding on and letting go.

Finding joy is sometimes as simple as getting gorgeous shoes cheap. Steve Maddens for $11.22 :-)

Pumpkin soup from scratch. Mmmmm. Yummy!

A corn maze....

At a loss for words

I sat down to do my devotions this morning and I didn't have words. Those who know me well, know that very rarely am I at a loss for words.  I didn't know what to say to God. I didn't have words to pray. I guess the best way to describe where I am at today would be to say that I'm numb. 

Grief is an unwieldy beast.  There are days (like Tuesday was for me) where all I wanted to do was cry. I sat in my therapist's office and wept for 50 mins. Sometimes you need to do that. You need to just cry it out. I have spent a lot of time crying and I do not relish it. I do prefer crying over being numb.

It was due to this feeling of being numb that I delayed in writing my post. I mean what do you write about when you are at a loss for words? I'm writing today because I have made a commitment to myself to do so. Developing a discipline, that is what I am engaged in.

I don't have any great words of wisdom. What I can say is that putting one foot in front of the other sometimes requires discipline and commitment because the feelings and the words just aren't there.

Despite my internal feelings of sadness and loss, I did experience goodness, fun and enjoyment.

Winning the people's choice award at my local yarn shop for socks that I knitted.  :-)

Seeing this beauty (my mini me)

Being a part of this dog pile.

Something Orange

Over a year ago, it was fourteen months ago to be precise, I thought I was having a really bad few weeks.  I had no idea at that time that life was about to get worse.  It's all about perspective isn't it? You think the space you are in right now is "____" (fill in the blank with whatever adjective suits you) and in the space of a few minutes, hours, days..... and so on your perspective on the here and now will change.  While our bodies, feelings, situations, even the world around us does change, there are constants! As a lover of math there are so many puns I could insert here, but I won't. :-) I digress.

Sometimes, we have to work harder than others to hold on to those constants.  One constant in my life is my relationship with God. The year gone by has tested that relationship. I would love to say that I know where I am in regards to my relationship with God, but I can't. What I can say is that I'm working it out. I'm working on other stuff as well. I'm working on figuring out who I am, I am working on finishing my MA. In order to make forward progress in my life I found that I needed to go back to the basics. The basics of my blogging started with posting photographs that inspired me and blessed me. Today Ann Voskamp sent out her prompts for the month of October. Since her book is the reason I started blogging, I felt it only appropriate to begin this month's photographic contributions using her prompt for today: "3 Gifts Orange..."

My husband and I happened upon these beauties during our walk this morning. 

An orange classic 

Mysoor Dahl - reminds me of my mom. 

Forward Progress

In football terms forward progress is when you are moving the ball down the field toward the goal. In the year since my mom died, it feels as if I have made very little if any forward progress. Going to work on changing that. The purpose of this blog was to be purposeful in finding the good daily. When my mom died, I shied away from that. This 31 day project is an effort to come back to the beginning. I'm going back to the basics.

31 Days of Forward Progress Series:

Day 1: Something Orange
Day 2: At a loss for words
Day 3: Balancing Act
Day 4: Tipping Point















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When you know what is coming...

At the end of this week, I will have to send two of my kiddos back for the up coming school year.  They are older now, and they know the life that they are returning to.  Sometimes, when you know what's coming it makes the days preceding departure harder.

I feel for my children. I ache for them. I grew up in a typical two parent family. My parents didn't get divorced, we had what could be described as a typical family.  My mother's death has brought about this shift.  It is as if she was this veil that covered the family. She bound us together and kept the moving parts moving.  Now that she's not here, some of the parts have stopped moving and the filter through which we as family viewed each other, well, it has been torn away.  In much the same way, I now see my family in a new light, my children see their parents as they truly are.  In some respects it is hard to watch the revelation come. It is difficult to see the naiveté give way to realism.

This summer has been one of revelation for my two of my children. They have seen the true colors of their parents come out.  Whereas in the in the past few years we have both put on a show so that we seemed to be the well adjusted divorced individual.  In the past few months, that thin veil of deceit got ripped to shreds. The hatred, anger and resentment that roiled just beneath the surface could not be held back anymore and it came roaring to the surface. The heat and force of it melted the veil.  This summer my children learned that some choices have life long consequences. They learned there is a thin line between love and hate.  They saw firsthand what the all consuming need to win at all cost can do to people.

I told my babies that I was sorry.  I was sorry for the innocence lost. I was sorry that they had to see what hatred was capable of doing. I also told them that I was not sorry that they were here.  No matter how ugly the fight became, no matter how much work he has done to devastate my life, I am not sorry that I have my children.  In writing this, I wonder if that is selfish on my part.  Having my children means that they had to experience loss in their young lives.

They have been very clingy in the last few days.  I know why and it is giving me anxiety.  The ex-husband has won this fight by illegal means.  To prove it would take resources I just don't have.  Consequently, we all have to learn to live with what he has done.  We have to live with the fact that I can't fight back anymore. In effect he has won the battle.  This knowledge is not new to me. I have carried the weight of this for six weeks now.  You see, while I was in Illinois caring for my dying mother, the ex-husband out maneuvered me by some illegal and deceptive means and won at this game called custody.  So this means that for another academic year, the kids will live elsewhere.

Those well meaning misunderstanding people on the periphery of my life will say things like, "well you still get to see the kids regularly..." or, "...at least your kids are alive..." another favorite, "...this is God's will...", "...he does have more money so they have a great life..." There is a reason these people are on the periphery of my life. At the moment, I can't take those platitudes.  I understand that they are attempting, albeit badly, at being hopeful and comforting. Nothing anyone says is going to soothe the hurt of the kids departure.  I would be better equipped for their departure if he would spend time with them. If he actually parented them.  But the reality is. to him the kids are just pawns in an ugly fight that he had to have.

I wish I could print this post out and hand it to people when they say weird things to me.  I want to be understood, but at times I don't care that I'm not.  I am so raw right now.  The ground beneath me feels slippery and resembles sinking sand.  I don't have the energy to care about much of anything beyond what I am dealing with.  I have lost "friends" because of this, and I will probably lose some more. That's really ok.  Right now I'm just trying to help my family prepare for and deal with what we know is coming.

Facing today

Sometimes making your mind up is half the battle.  I have chosen to make certain small decisions every day.  These activities are my goal posts.  I attempt to complete these two tasks every day, the rest is icing.

I know that two tasks seems so very simple.  In my current mind set, two tasks seems insurmountable some days.  I'm in this place and time where I have to take conscious care of myself. I have to do or not do the things where the end result is caring for myself.  One of the things that I have been able to accomplish every day is making my bed. My husband Dan will tell you that I have too many pillows on my bed. Well.... I make the bed with a lot of pillows anyway.  Making my bed has so many benefits.  The first one is that I feel this tangible connection and attachment to my mom in the process.  My mom loved to make the bed. She made her bed beautifully and so do I.  Another thing is that my friend Holly is the reason I have this gorgeous bed spread and accent pillows.  Holly is my friend that I run away to.  She is a safe place for me.  Seeing my bed reminds me that Holly exists and is only a phone call away.

The second goal post for the day is finishing a school related task every day.  This is the task that is at times insurmountable. I keep telling myself that I've come this far, I can't quit now.  The problem is that quitting seems so easy.  We will come back to that.

I have this friend in my life, his name is Michael. I've known him for about 20 years.  He was my small group leader at one time.  Michael is just my big brother.  I trust his take on scripture. I accept the words coming out of his mouth as truth. Michael is blunt. Sometimes blunt is needed even if not desired. The content of our last conversation was blunt, necessary and undesired. The bottom line of the conversation came down to context. I was challenged to look at the context of what I am dealing with.

So, what am I dealing with? I am dealing with an enemy that seeks to destroy me, and I don't just mean the spiritual one. I have a real life one.  I can't do anything about him. I can't change who he is, I can't change the results of decisions I made ages ago. While his actions do have an impact in my life, I need to look at those behaviors in context.  Realistically, aside from my emotions, is anyone being directly harmed? No.  Do I have the power to change the fact that he has been given the power to take and use what is so very dear to me? No.  What I do have power over is how I respond and react to what he is doing.  That for me is the difficulty, the rub.  I weep over what I have lost.  I weep over what I perceive as never coming to pass.  My friend Tammy reminds me regularly that while the kids are alive and walking around there is hope. Hope is in so very short supply right now.

I cut my hair. In that moment, I had control over that one decision and I took it.  I think it looks good. Yesterday, I cried. I wept. I missed my mom's lap. I wanted to put my head in her lap and feel the warmth of her hands on my head as I wept.  I loosed the ties around my heart and felt for those moments in time the pain and grief that I had been holding back so tightly.  This hurts. I want to skip this part. I don't want to feel and experience the pain.  There isn't any way through this. There is no relief route.  The road I'm on goes straight through.  What does that look like?

This road is long. From my vantage point I can't gauge it's distance.  In reality every day for the forceable future will hurt.  I can attempt to wall away my soul so as not to experience the pain so acutely. If I chose to do so, what am I teaching my children? For today I will stand on this road. I will take one step and put it in front of another and go as far as I can, and then I will take a break.  I will be honest about how I feel. I will acknowledge the pain and I will develop daily markers to gauge forward progression.  I will deal with today. My mom used to say, not to borrow trouble... I will do my very best.  I will carry on today.

Today, I will be strong. Today, I will make my bed. I will cherish my children. I will look in their faces and mannerisms and see my mom.  If necessary, I will cry.  I will not focus on what is coming.  I will work at being ok for today.

I'm aiming...

This is what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like to me.

a flower that defied the cold and bloomed anyway

A moment in time with my son Nate

A year ago...

A year ago I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea that I would enter a battle already lost. I had no idea that I would lose my mom. I had no idea how strong I could be.

I really miss my mom today. I miss her smile, her hugs, her laughter and her hands. I have her hands. I miss the fact that she would have loved to see my art.

I've been in class for the last two days. I had the opportunity to take an art journaling class taught by the famous Dyan Reaveley. My mom would have loved to see the results of what I learned. Yesterday was the best part, in my opinion, of the two days of classes. Yesterday focused on journaling. I have been trying to break through a wall when it comes to journaling. I hesitate a lot when it comes to putting my thoughts and feelings down. I'm afraid of what people will think if they see what I wrote. Yesterday in class Dyan took a sledge hammer to that wall. It was incredible! Who knew that an art class could be so therapeutic!

One of the things that Dyan did was she talked about her "skeletons." I realized in that moment something really powerful. By naming the things that she thought people would judge her for, she took their power away. She put everything out there and in doing so she set herself free.

I'm working on setting myself free. I miss my mom. I will miss my mom everyday for the rest of my natural life. I am setting myself free from other people's expectations, from other people's judgement. My grief process will take as long as it takes.  There will never be a time that I don't grieve my losses. The person that I was a year ago doesn't exist. There is no going back to who I was before. I have been irrevocably changed.

Mikey and mom - love that boy!

The first thing I gave her when I arrived

our hands

I miss you mom...

Rock Bottom

The ground is hard and cold. There is no where left to go. That's the definition of rock bottom isn't it?

I am sitting here at the very bottom. Now what? I've been knocked down a lot in my life. Those who know me well know all that I've gone through. Those friends I mentioned know that I am a really stubborn and determined person. Knock me down, do so knowing I will get up. Till now. For the first time in my life I have questioned my ability to get back up.  There are moments when I think about what I've lost and my chest hurts and it gets hard to breath. 

When you get to this place there are very few yet finite things you can do.
You can:
1. Stay right where you are. 

2. You can move. 

I chose to stay where I was for a few days. I cried. All of the disappointment, devastation, resentment, hurt, anger and hopelessness came out. It needed to. I did what is commonly called "ugly crying." That is what I did. I let my body express what my words could not

Then I started asking questions. I questioned my faith. I questioned the existence of God. I reached out a little. The really important thing to note here is I reached out to trustworthy people. I had in my bubble people who didn't have all the answers but they were honest. This collective group had great advice. Here is what I was given:

1. Let people pray for you the words that you can't. 

2. Take the day you're in, a moment at a time. A breath at a time if you have to.

3. Take breaks and breathe.

4. Change your physical location - even if only for a little bit.

I'm starting to move a little bit.  What does that look like? It looks like me investing in myself.  I have given and given. There have been times where I have depleted myself for other people and that's ok. I don't resent all that I've given. But now it's time for me. I'm starting to refocus. It's a little blurry right now; but that's ok.

I've had a really hard time being thankful. I am going to choose to be more mindful of even the little things.  In this moment I am thankful for having the opportunity to shoot the sunrise at 6:00a.m.! I am thankful for friends that love me any way. I am thankful for great advice! I'm thankful that I'm not stuck.

Sunrise - breath taking.

There it is! The sun cresting over the mountain!

Gorgeous Natalie! 

Really cool farmer dude.

Love how comfortable he is with himself

Sunflowers!

May was a rough month

I couldn't write. For the entire month of May I just couldn't write.  It wasn't for a lack of words, feelings or happenings... I just couldn't sit down and make myself do it.

May 12th is my mothers birthday. On that date this year, my second son Kamal graduated from high school.  May 11 this year was mother's day.  See what I mean? A lot of losses. A lot to work through and I didn't want to do it.

I was told recently that I've hurt some people by my lack of attention to them.  Sadly, at the moment I just don't care. I don't care about the petty goings on of people on the periphery of my life.  Wow that wasn't very christian was it? Oops. Ok so there is more than a touch of sarcasm there.  Honestly, "christian" or not it's the truth.  I'm not saying I don't care about other people, I do.  I just have a hard time caring about other people's reaction to what I'm going through. Since the divorce my life has been rough and I survived it.  Remarriage to an active duty Airman, yeah that complicated my life but I dealt with it.  Add physical challenges and a nasty custody battle, yup persevered through all of that.      Not saying that I didn't cry, scream, vent or get depressed, I did all that but I survived. 

Fast forward a few years and I lost my mom.  I took care of her and watched her die.  She took her last breaths in my arms.  I was the last voice she heard.  I chose that.  I am SO thankful that I was able to be there, even now I wouldn't change it.  The hard part is that losing my mother on top of everything else has changed me. I've been altered.  I've said it before, this is a new normal, the old Dilshani just doesn't exist any more.  The new me isn't as soft and so eager to please as I was before.  The new me cares less about people's opinion.  I'm more calloused than I used to be.  I won't apologize for that, at least not now.  Maybe at a later date, then again, maybe not. I don't know.  The same person that told me that I've hurt some people also asked me why I am able to give grace to some people and not to others.  I don't know if I can adequately explain, but I'm going to try. I have sustained some huge losses in my life.  Up until the death of my mother I did my best to battle through all of it.  Some "well intentioned" individuals have said some stupid things to me, and yet I buried my hurt and continued to try and appease those very people that hurt me.  All this in the name of being a "christian." Here's the problem bury stuff long enough and you get resentful. Ok maybe you don't but I did.  So then my mother died. When she died a lot of people expected a lot of me and I stepped up to the plate. I put my grieving on hold so that I could take care of my kids, my husband, my other family members.  I kept saying that when I got back home I would grieve.  When I got back to New Mexico my life didn't stop it kept going and I tried to juggle life and my loss.  It didn't work too well. Something had to give. What gave was relationships that needed more than I had to give at the time.  Sad as it may be, I am ok with it.  You see the people that have stuck are the ones who understand this: right now I don't have a lot to give. Most days I am emotionally spent. I give what I can and then I'm done. 

I often call Marcie my complaint department.  She and I joke that I am allowed to give her phone number to those people who would like to complain about me and my lack of sensitivity to them.  Marcie is one of my best friends.  She had a baby a couple months back. She is one of my best friends and I wasn't there for her - she never held it against me.  There were times that she needed to vent and I just wasn't around.  She forgave me for that too. Laura S. we rarely get to talk anymore, just because life has got in the way, and yet if I text her she responds. The sister of my heart, Claudia, was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of stuff and she made the effort to ask me how I was doing and wanted the honest truth. Does this sound selfish? You are absolutely right it does. I am selfish. I am ok with that.  The people closest too me are ok with that too.

There is no time limit on grief.  There is no way to quantify how anyone deals with it. I'm not over my mom's death. There are days that feel like I'm moving on and there are days when I'm knocked on my ass.  I do my very best to put on a good front. I do this because the average person that asks me how I'm doing, doesn't need to know the whole truth.  If you ask me how I'm doing, and I say I'm hanging in here, that's honest.

I've said all this to say, if you're one of the people who's feelings got hurt because I didn't respond to you the way you expected - please lower your expectations of me.  I have survived a lot and if I'm not as compassionate to your stuff - I'm sorry. I'm not perfect, I'm not a good "christian" and there are probably many that would say I'm not a good friend. I accept all of that. I'm sorry if anyone reading this feels as if they didn't get as much as they were expecting out of the relationship. I'm doing the best I can. I am hurting. I miss my mom, its not a crutch, its not an excuse - its my reality.

Kamal's graduation - bittersweet

   Prayers that others have prayed

My precious mommy

Choices

I had the most incredible Easter! During the past week, I was acutely aware that Sunday was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Holding it together was my only aspiration.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I am studying the subject matter of "living in peace." As I put feet on this topic I'm discovering a lot about myself and my relationships.  The key point for me surrounds the choices I make.  My friend Cullen said to me, "...you choose whether or not you're going to accept the offense..." Simple statement, big impact, hard to practice.  I have found out how hard it is not to hold on to hurt or wounds once they have been inflicted.  It comes down to a choice. As my friend and accountability partner Larissa says to me, "...you have choose whether or not you value the relationship more than being right..." I'm choosing my relationships. Of course once I made the decision I had multiple opportunities to put it into practice, not fun. Not fun, but choosing to love the person and let go of "whatever" is oh so rewarding.

During this time God has been so faithful. You know, making the right decision regardless of your "feelings" will eventually force your feelings to follow suit. I get to choose how I feel.

I've said all that to say, I made a conscious choice last Saturday to implicitly trust God. It was so hard. When the kids got here I decided in my head that we were going to enjoy our time together. Period. I took so many pictures. We laughed so much. About midweek I discovered that Dan and Kamal would not be home on Sunday. It was Easter and the kiddos had and early return flight! It took me about a day or so to wrap my head around the fact that I would not have any of my blood family with me on this holiday. This Easter is my first without my mom. There it is again - loss. I was faced with a choice. Focus on what I didn't have or choose to have a good day. I chose the latter. I chose to focus on all the good, and then God blessed me so abundantly!

First, my friend Theresa-Sherrell woke up at 4:30a.m. to drive the kids and I to the airport! Did I mention it was 4 dark thirty in the morning? She made a trip that was already filled with anxiety and sadness for me so much fun. She had the kids and I laughing the entire time! Blessed! Despite it not being her regular church T graciously drove and attended service at my church with me. While I was getting dressed I got a flower delivery. On Easter Sunday, I got a flower delivery?! My Dad, son Michael, sister Rini and brother Dave had sent me a hydrangea plant. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Another blessing. While at church my husband texts me to say that he won't be at the hospital as long as he thought and he would be home for lunch. Easter is turning out well. The icing on my cake was having my friend Jamin in town and having him over. We laughed, oh how we laughed! We sang (I was introduced to Betty Who - love it!) and had fantastic conversation. Then my friend Mel joined us bringing her amazing turtle cheesecake with her for a Twilight marathon (don't judge). So blessed!

I made the choice to find the good. I was determined to trust God and know that Easter was going to be good. Was it hard? Absolutely! Watching my kids board a plane is never easy. Missing my mom is a daily struggle and some days are just harder than others. Despite these tangible losses I had a fantastic Easter. I chose to focus on what God has given me and the good I do have and He blessed me with so much more! My heart is full!

The photo says it all!

Some of my loves...

The family that's in town...

My flowers!

Yummy!

Getting Up Slowly

The sensation I'm experiences feels like I'm falling slowly.  Grief is weird you know?  Maybe you don't...You get stuck in this window of time and expect to move at the same rate and it doesn't. Life moves a lot faster than I'm ready for.  I'm not ready for everything; however, I am ready to take little steps.

One of those things I'm working on is living in a state of peace.  Up until recently I had a real misconception of what "living in Peace" meant.  Peace isn't the absence of pain, loss, or emotions.  Peace isn't turning a blind eye to the offenses received from other people and situations.  I've learned this week that in order to live in peace you have to begin by changing your mindset.  Feelings are valid. Refusing to acknowledge them only breeds resentment.  Being offended however is a choice.  I've been hurt many times over by family and non-family.  This situation isn't unique to me.  Allowing myself the freedom to feel the feeling and acknowledging it perfectly fine, what I do as a result of that feeling that I have to guard against.  For example, I learned from my friend Cullen recently that, "Taking offense is a choice." That was hard to hear.  When someone hurts me, my first inclination is to defend myself or shut the person out entirely.  That isn't what God teaches us.  I choose, I am in control of whether or not I'm going to be offended. Ever since I made the conscious effort to walk and live in peace the challenges to that mindset hit.  For me to live this way requires that I believe that God is fundamentally good and trustworthy. During this particular exercise I didn't fully believe in either sentiment.  I learned that peace isn't results oriented.  Peace is a state of being and living that I'm in control of. I choose whether or not to take offense and hold on to it.  Living in peace isn't easy! It is NOT a quick fix. Its a new mind/life behavior.

In regards to my mom this means that it is completely acceptable for me to empty myself of tears if that is how I'm feeling at the moment.  It means that I begin to accept the loss.  It means that when I miss my kids I cry and let it out.  Tears are cleansing.  Some times our souls need a means letting the emotions go.  After that is when I have to be careful.  After the weeping is when I have to guard my heart against the thoughts that come at me.  I was not in control of when my mom or baby Ameilia were taken from me.  I was not in control of what had been done to me in court.  Not being in control doesn't explain it, nor does it justify what transpired.  It is just a reminder of what things I am to take ownership of.

I choose to acknowledge how something has made me feel,  If necessary I cry and get angry.  After the emotions have been diffused I choose not to carry the offense with me. I hope that makes sense. I'm not perfect at this technique, but I will say life is becoming smoother.

This weekend is hard. My kids return to the company of their father early on Easter Sunday morning. My husband has to work at the hospital and my son forgetting it was Easter is also working.  I was pretty hurt about it yesterday. I took that hurt, held it and walked around with it.  Didn't necessarily make it enjoyable for me. I realized two things. There will always be times that I will be alone when I didn't anticipate it. Knowing that means I can prepare for it in the future.  The kids leaving tomorrow means that they are here for today! My mom loved any excuse to cook, so I bake. I can almost hear her voice in my head as I put my hands in the bread to knead it.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation" 1 Peter 5:10 NLT.

 Gorgeous flowers - Hyacinth I believe

Some of my family

Baking cinnamon rolls - my mom's recipe

The ability to paint, another gift from my mom. 

This is not the life I imagined...

This is not where I thought I'd be by now. Ever have that thought?  That thought has been in the fore front of my mind today.

Isn't it funny how easy it is for something trivial like an article or an email from someone no longer in our life to knock one off of the sometimes precarious ledge we sit on? As is now common knowledge for those who read this blog frequently, I have been hit with a lot in months past.  This week I have started to work towards coming to peace with things. I am striving towards moving in a forward direction without losing sight of what is dear to me.

On Tuesday, I received an email from the ex-husband regarding my youngest two children's visitation.  That was the nudge that started the unbalancing act.  My divorce was quick and painless in comparison to the custodial battle that has raged for seven plus years. Seven years of my life, my children's lives, my husband's life and yes the ex's life too.  We have spent seven years and thousands of dollars gridlocked.  In the end he won a pretty big battle last year and to say that I have felt defeated is an understatement.  I told some one that I actually felt broken.  I cried and asked how much is enough.  I begged for an answer. Although calmer now, I still want to know how much suffering is enough?  What if there isn't a limit? That's a scary thought.  From my vantage point I don't think there is a limit. That's an even scarier thought.  I am not so naive as to believe that I have no fault in the divorce or the gridlock that I'm in.  I take responsibility for my involvement.

Involvement.  Now there is an interesting word.  What does it mean exactly?  According to dictionary.com one of the meanings is: "to include as a necessary circumstance..."  I have included the circumstances of the custody battle as a necessary circumstance in my life.  Necessary circumstance - that's pretty weighty.  I have been embroiled in a situation that in my mind was vital to my life.  My children were involved so of course it was vital; however, to be so engaged in it to the exclusion of the growth of my personhood...hmm that wasn't what I had planned.  So now what?

It's time to move forward.  I don't know exactly what that looks like yet. I have been judging myself by the losses in court and I can't do that anymore.  I will always fight for my children but I won't define myself by what happens in court.

The life I'm living now is certainly not one that I would have imagined for myself.  It is however the life that God has allowed me to live. There are days where I feel as if I might break, but I won't.

I am thankful for:

Dan's safe return from what would be his last deployment.

Taking Jake & Mel's pre-deployment photos

The talent God has given me for photography

Thirteen years ago....

Thirteen years ago today at around 2 in the afternoon with my mom at my side I delivered a baby girl at home.  She was born still.  This is a aspect of my life that I have not shared openly before now.  There are very few people in my life (family even) that knew I suffered a loss like this.  Her father and I named her Ameilia.  Sometimes I see her when I sleep. I imagine her regularly.  Today and days past I have wept for all the days that would've been. I cry for my daughter Anika who didn't get to have a big sister here on earth.

I try not to focus on death and loss.  Sadly this is a road that I have been allowed to traverse and loss is an intimate partner in my walk theses days.  Today, Claudia came and spent the day with me.  We didn't talk about Ameilia today we just hung out.  Claudia has been a gift that I am SO glad to have been given.  I'm sad that we share so many things. I'm sorry that she has suffered in some of the same ways that I have. I wish she could've been spared loss.  Her losses have given her an understanding of how to treat someone like me. For that I am grateful.

Someone like me is someone who is raw around the edges.  I'm sensitive. I'm more withdrawn than I used to be. Someone like me needs understanding. I need to cry a lot. I need to sleep a lot. Sometimes I need to just talk a lot about what I've lost. When someone in your life goes through a hard season in their life, try to be like Claudia.  Here are some of what she has done for me:

1. She has had no expectations of me. I am allowed to just be me.  Even on the worst days she has not tried to make me "see the good..."

2. She has let me cry ~ repeatedly.

3. She has just been there. Today she sat here knit, laughed, watched movies and was just here.

These are just a few of the things my dear friend and sister has done for me.  But these are the things that those of you who are not her can easily replicate.

One of the things that she has never done is try to force me to be grateful for all the good things.  I'm aware of the good things in my life.  I don't need to be reminded of what I do have.  I have needed, and sometimes still need, the room to grieve what I have lost.  The people that I have allowed to be close to me at this time know one key thing, I'm not going to get stuck here.  I'm not going to live in this space forever.  These precious people know that, so therefore, they aren't trying to force me out of where I am.  I understand that people are well meaning.  I get it that death, loss and tragic life events make people uncomfortable.  If you're uncomfortable then don't say anything.

Couple things I have to get off my chest...I don't live under a black cloud! God isn't punishing me! If you feel otherwise then go unfriend me on Facebook or something. Sometimes really bad things happen in succession. I can't help the fact that my daughter died before she was born. I can't help the fact that my mom died. My custodial situation is a nightmare and my health has taken a beating. I have become less and less communicative because of how offended some people have become at my life circumstances.  Did I mention that it is my life and not theirs that has been negatively impacted? Anyway, I digress...

In the midst of all of this, there have been some really really good things I have been blessed with. Despite my lack of communication people have stepped in and provided meals, books to read and much needed company. I have made new friends and have let some people go. I have had the opportunity to read a few awesome books. My relationship with God is growing in a way that I didn't think was possible. I am developing a greater understanding of the difference between justice and fairness.  I have been knitting - a lot.

In closing I would like to say, my life has been painful and difficult; however, in the midst of it I am even more keenly aware that God hasn't let go of me.  I feel as if I'm being rubbed so very thin, but maybe that's the point. Just like Claudia's losses make her sensitive and gracious to me, hopefully my life will make me more gracious to all those I meet.

Here are some of the things that have made me smile and reminded me of God's goodness...

FANTASTIC book. 

Presents in the mail!

Smart boy!

Sometimes its the simplest things...

Making the bed; simple, repetitive, generally monotonous.  That's how I would describe making the bed.  I have not been good at making my bed daily.  There are a lot of things that I have not been consistent in "doing" for some time.  Depression does that to you.  Depression sings the song of "What's the Point?" all day long in my head some days.  There are days that become weeks that turn into months that I hum right along.

For those of you who are blessed not to suffer from depression, let me give you a little insight into the lives of those of us who do suffer from it.  Yes, suffer is the right word.  No, I'm not exaggerating.  Depression isn't a choice that you make.  In the same manner, you can't simply choose to not be depressed.  Did you know that some of the happiest people you encounter, could actually be suffering with depression?  Just because someone may look happy on the outside, doesn't mean that everything is how it should be on the inside.  In the same way that the flu can manifest itself differently from one person to the next, so too can depression.  What causes depression? The causes are as unique as the person struggling with it.

In my life depression has manifested due to some significant traumas and losses that I sustained over a period of time.  The death of my mother was the real tipping point for me.  One of the lies that the depression told me was that I was broken and I wouldn't survive this.  As my friend Angie reminded me today, I have a 100% track record of success  when it comes to surviving.  I like that perspective.  Remember, how I said that people can't choose not to be depressed?  While you can't choose not to be  depressed, you can choose to do small things, simple things to make you feel better.  Little success to build upon.

Today's small steps began with making my bed.  Yup, just making my bed.  I have a beautiful bed.  I love my sheets and I really love my comforter set and all my pillows (there are quite a few).  When I visited my friend Holly in Virginia last fall, her made bed inspired me.  It is gorgeous! Holly's whole house is gorgeous, a reflection of the person who decorated it, but I digress.  At any rate, I realized that my bed wasn't beautiful or inviting.  Holly fixed that.  Now I have a bed that I love to make every day.  Small steps.

I am so blessed.  I have these amazing friends in my life that lift me up.  They encourage and support me.  My friend Claudia has suffered some of the same losses as I have and she's farther along on this road that I find myself on.  You know what though? She encourages me everyday.  She chooses to allow me to talk and process out loud without trying to fix where I'm at, even if it brings up some pain for her.  Holly is my home away from home.  She is my run away destination. Angie is my cheerleader.  These are just three of the many women in my life that are walking the road of life with me.  

Another thing that depression has done is to cloud my vision of God.  Sometimes I struggle to see Him as good.  Today I see His goodness in the friends (many not named here) that choose to be in my life.  Little things, just like making the bed.

My beautifully made bed, re-arranging of the pillows courtesy of Elliepie

Angie's post from this morning

My bud Angie! Love her!!

I couldn't talk about our friendship without posting a picture of how nutty we are. 

My gorgeous friend Holly & her puppy Luca

My newest friend the lovely Claudia.

Photo credit: http://claudiadonnellydesigns.blogspot.com