In football terms forward progress is when you are moving the ball down the field toward the goal. In the year since my mom died, it feels as if I have made very little if any forward progress. Going to work on changing that.
The purpose of this blog was to be purposeful in finding the good daily. When my mom died, I shied away from that. This 31 day project is an effort to come back to the beginning. I'm going back to the basics.
31 Days of Forward Progress Series:
Day 1: Something Orange
Day 2: At a loss for words
Day 3: Balancing Act
Day 4: Tipping Point
<a target="_blank" rel=nofollow title="InLinkz" href="http://www.inlinkz.com/?refId=46823">InLinkz</a>
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
When you know what is coming...
At the end of this week, I will have to send two of my kiddos back for the up coming school year. They are older now, and they know the life that they are returning to. Sometimes, when you know what's coming it makes the days preceding departure harder.
I feel for my children. I ache for them. I grew up in a typical two parent family. My parents didn't get divorced, we had what could be described as a typical family. My mother's death has brought about this shift. It is as if she was this veil that covered the family. She bound us together and kept the moving parts moving. Now that she's not here, some of the parts have stopped moving and the filter through which we as family viewed each other, well, it has been torn away. In much the same way, I now see my family in a new light, my children see their parents as they truly are. In some respects it is hard to watch the revelation come. It is difficult to see the naiveté give way to realism.
This summer has been one of revelation for my two of my children. They have seen the true colors of their parents come out. Whereas in the in the past few years we have both put on a show so that we seemed to be the well adjusted divorced individual. In the past few months, that thin veil of deceit got ripped to shreds. The hatred, anger and resentment that roiled just beneath the surface could not be held back anymore and it came roaring to the surface. The heat and force of it melted the veil. This summer my children learned that some choices have life long consequences. They learned there is a thin line between love and hate. They saw firsthand what the all consuming need to win at all cost can do to people.
I told my babies that I was sorry. I was sorry for the innocence lost. I was sorry that they had to see what hatred was capable of doing. I also told them that I was not sorry that they were here. No matter how ugly the fight became, no matter how much work he has done to devastate my life, I am not sorry that I have my children. In writing this, I wonder if that is selfish on my part. Having my children means that they had to experience loss in their young lives.
They have been very clingy in the last few days. I know why and it is giving me anxiety. The ex-husband has won this fight by illegal means. To prove it would take resources I just don't have. Consequently, we all have to learn to live with what he has done. We have to live with the fact that I can't fight back anymore. In effect he has won the battle. This knowledge is not new to me. I have carried the weight of this for six weeks now. You see, while I was in Illinois caring for my dying mother, the ex-husband out maneuvered me by some illegal and deceptive means and won at this game called custody. So this means that for another academic year, the kids will live elsewhere.
Those well meaning misunderstanding people on the periphery of my life will say things like, "well you still get to see the kids regularly..." or, "...at least your kids are alive..." another favorite, "...this is God's will...", "...he does have more money so they have a great life..." There is a reason these people are on the periphery of my life. At the moment, I can't take those platitudes. I understand that they are attempting, albeit badly, at being hopeful and comforting. Nothing anyone says is going to soothe the hurt of the kids departure. I would be better equipped for their departure if he would spend time with them. If he actually parented them. But the reality is. to him the kids are just pawns in an ugly fight that he had to have.
I wish I could print this post out and hand it to people when they say weird things to me. I want to be understood, but at times I don't care that I'm not. I am so raw right now. The ground beneath me feels slippery and resembles sinking sand. I don't have the energy to care about much of anything beyond what I am dealing with. I have lost "friends" because of this, and I will probably lose some more. That's really ok. Right now I'm just trying to help my family prepare for and deal with what we know is coming.
I feel for my children. I ache for them. I grew up in a typical two parent family. My parents didn't get divorced, we had what could be described as a typical family. My mother's death has brought about this shift. It is as if she was this veil that covered the family. She bound us together and kept the moving parts moving. Now that she's not here, some of the parts have stopped moving and the filter through which we as family viewed each other, well, it has been torn away. In much the same way, I now see my family in a new light, my children see their parents as they truly are. In some respects it is hard to watch the revelation come. It is difficult to see the naiveté give way to realism.
This summer has been one of revelation for my two of my children. They have seen the true colors of their parents come out. Whereas in the in the past few years we have both put on a show so that we seemed to be the well adjusted divorced individual. In the past few months, that thin veil of deceit got ripped to shreds. The hatred, anger and resentment that roiled just beneath the surface could not be held back anymore and it came roaring to the surface. The heat and force of it melted the veil. This summer my children learned that some choices have life long consequences. They learned there is a thin line between love and hate. They saw firsthand what the all consuming need to win at all cost can do to people.
I told my babies that I was sorry. I was sorry for the innocence lost. I was sorry that they had to see what hatred was capable of doing. I also told them that I was not sorry that they were here. No matter how ugly the fight became, no matter how much work he has done to devastate my life, I am not sorry that I have my children. In writing this, I wonder if that is selfish on my part. Having my children means that they had to experience loss in their young lives.
They have been very clingy in the last few days. I know why and it is giving me anxiety. The ex-husband has won this fight by illegal means. To prove it would take resources I just don't have. Consequently, we all have to learn to live with what he has done. We have to live with the fact that I can't fight back anymore. In effect he has won the battle. This knowledge is not new to me. I have carried the weight of this for six weeks now. You see, while I was in Illinois caring for my dying mother, the ex-husband out maneuvered me by some illegal and deceptive means and won at this game called custody. So this means that for another academic year, the kids will live elsewhere.
Those well meaning misunderstanding people on the periphery of my life will say things like, "well you still get to see the kids regularly..." or, "...at least your kids are alive..." another favorite, "...this is God's will...", "...he does have more money so they have a great life..." There is a reason these people are on the periphery of my life. At the moment, I can't take those platitudes. I understand that they are attempting, albeit badly, at being hopeful and comforting. Nothing anyone says is going to soothe the hurt of the kids departure. I would be better equipped for their departure if he would spend time with them. If he actually parented them. But the reality is. to him the kids are just pawns in an ugly fight that he had to have.
I wish I could print this post out and hand it to people when they say weird things to me. I want to be understood, but at times I don't care that I'm not. I am so raw right now. The ground beneath me feels slippery and resembles sinking sand. I don't have the energy to care about much of anything beyond what I am dealing with. I have lost "friends" because of this, and I will probably lose some more. That's really ok. Right now I'm just trying to help my family prepare for and deal with what we know is coming.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Facing today
Sometimes making your mind up is half the battle. I have chosen to make certain small decisions every day. These activities are my goal posts. I attempt to complete these two tasks every day, the rest is icing.
I know that two tasks seems so very simple. In my current mind set, two tasks seems insurmountable some days. I'm in this place and time where I have to take conscious care of myself. I have to do or not do the things where the end result is caring for myself. One of the things that I have been able to accomplish every day is making my bed. My husband Dan will tell you that I have too many pillows on my bed. Well.... I make the bed with a lot of pillows anyway. Making my bed has so many benefits. The first one is that I feel this tangible connection and attachment to my mom in the process. My mom loved to make the bed. She made her bed beautifully and so do I. Another thing is that my friend Holly is the reason I have this gorgeous bed spread and accent pillows. Holly is my friend that I run away to. She is a safe place for me. Seeing my bed reminds me that Holly exists and is only a phone call away.
The second goal post for the day is finishing a school related task every day. This is the task that is at times insurmountable. I keep telling myself that I've come this far, I can't quit now. The problem is that quitting seems so easy. We will come back to that.
I have this friend in my life, his name is Michael. I've known him for about 20 years. He was my small group leader at one time. Michael is just my big brother. I trust his take on scripture. I accept the words coming out of his mouth as truth. Michael is blunt. Sometimes blunt is needed even if not desired. The content of our last conversation was blunt, necessary and undesired. The bottom line of the conversation came down to context. I was challenged to look at the context of what I am dealing with.
So, what am I dealing with? I am dealing with an enemy that seeks to destroy me, and I don't just mean the spiritual one. I have a real life one. I can't do anything about him. I can't change who he is, I can't change the results of decisions I made ages ago. While his actions do have an impact in my life, I need to look at those behaviors in context. Realistically, aside from my emotions, is anyone being directly harmed? No. Do I have the power to change the fact that he has been given the power to take and use what is so very dear to me? No. What I do have power over is how I respond and react to what he is doing. That for me is the difficulty, the rub. I weep over what I have lost. I weep over what I perceive as never coming to pass. My friend Tammy reminds me regularly that while the kids are alive and walking around there is hope. Hope is in so very short supply right now.
I cut my hair. In that moment, I had control over that one decision and I took it. I think it looks good. Yesterday, I cried. I wept. I missed my mom's lap. I wanted to put my head in her lap and feel the warmth of her hands on my head as I wept. I loosed the ties around my heart and felt for those moments in time the pain and grief that I had been holding back so tightly. This hurts. I want to skip this part. I don't want to feel and experience the pain. There isn't any way through this. There is no relief route. The road I'm on goes straight through. What does that look like?
This road is long. From my vantage point I can't gauge it's distance. In reality every day for the forceable future will hurt. I can attempt to wall away my soul so as not to experience the pain so acutely. If I chose to do so, what am I teaching my children? For today I will stand on this road. I will take one step and put it in front of another and go as far as I can, and then I will take a break. I will be honest about how I feel. I will acknowledge the pain and I will develop daily markers to gauge forward progression. I will deal with today. My mom used to say, not to borrow trouble... I will do my very best. I will carry on today.
Today, I will be strong. Today, I will make my bed. I will cherish my children. I will look in their faces and mannerisms and see my mom. If necessary, I will cry. I will not focus on what is coming. I will work at being ok for today.
I know that two tasks seems so very simple. In my current mind set, two tasks seems insurmountable some days. I'm in this place and time where I have to take conscious care of myself. I have to do or not do the things where the end result is caring for myself. One of the things that I have been able to accomplish every day is making my bed. My husband Dan will tell you that I have too many pillows on my bed. Well.... I make the bed with a lot of pillows anyway. Making my bed has so many benefits. The first one is that I feel this tangible connection and attachment to my mom in the process. My mom loved to make the bed. She made her bed beautifully and so do I. Another thing is that my friend Holly is the reason I have this gorgeous bed spread and accent pillows. Holly is my friend that I run away to. She is a safe place for me. Seeing my bed reminds me that Holly exists and is only a phone call away.
The second goal post for the day is finishing a school related task every day. This is the task that is at times insurmountable. I keep telling myself that I've come this far, I can't quit now. The problem is that quitting seems so easy. We will come back to that.
I have this friend in my life, his name is Michael. I've known him for about 20 years. He was my small group leader at one time. Michael is just my big brother. I trust his take on scripture. I accept the words coming out of his mouth as truth. Michael is blunt. Sometimes blunt is needed even if not desired. The content of our last conversation was blunt, necessary and undesired. The bottom line of the conversation came down to context. I was challenged to look at the context of what I am dealing with.
So, what am I dealing with? I am dealing with an enemy that seeks to destroy me, and I don't just mean the spiritual one. I have a real life one. I can't do anything about him. I can't change who he is, I can't change the results of decisions I made ages ago. While his actions do have an impact in my life, I need to look at those behaviors in context. Realistically, aside from my emotions, is anyone being directly harmed? No. Do I have the power to change the fact that he has been given the power to take and use what is so very dear to me? No. What I do have power over is how I respond and react to what he is doing. That for me is the difficulty, the rub. I weep over what I have lost. I weep over what I perceive as never coming to pass. My friend Tammy reminds me regularly that while the kids are alive and walking around there is hope. Hope is in so very short supply right now.
I cut my hair. In that moment, I had control over that one decision and I took it. I think it looks good. Yesterday, I cried. I wept. I missed my mom's lap. I wanted to put my head in her lap and feel the warmth of her hands on my head as I wept. I loosed the ties around my heart and felt for those moments in time the pain and grief that I had been holding back so tightly. This hurts. I want to skip this part. I don't want to feel and experience the pain. There isn't any way through this. There is no relief route. The road I'm on goes straight through. What does that look like?
This road is long. From my vantage point I can't gauge it's distance. In reality every day for the forceable future will hurt. I can attempt to wall away my soul so as not to experience the pain so acutely. If I chose to do so, what am I teaching my children? For today I will stand on this road. I will take one step and put it in front of another and go as far as I can, and then I will take a break. I will be honest about how I feel. I will acknowledge the pain and I will develop daily markers to gauge forward progression. I will deal with today. My mom used to say, not to borrow trouble... I will do my very best. I will carry on today.
Today, I will be strong. Today, I will make my bed. I will cherish my children. I will look in their faces and mannerisms and see my mom. If necessary, I will cry. I will not focus on what is coming. I will work at being ok for today.
I'm aiming...
This is what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like to me.
a flower that defied the cold and bloomed anyway
A moment in time with my son Nate
Monday, August 4, 2014
A year ago...
A year ago I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea that I would enter a battle already lost. I had no idea that I would lose my mom. I had no idea how strong I could be.
I really miss my mom today. I miss her smile, her hugs, her laughter and her hands. I have her hands. I miss the fact that she would have loved to see my art.
I've been in class for the last two days. I had the opportunity to take an art journaling class taught by the famous Dyan Reaveley. My mom would have loved to see the results of what I learned. Yesterday was the best part, in my opinion, of the two days of classes. Yesterday focused on journaling. I have been trying to break through a wall when it comes to journaling. I hesitate a lot when it comes to putting my thoughts and feelings down. I'm afraid of what people will think if they see what I wrote. Yesterday in class Dyan took a sledge hammer to that wall. It was incredible! Who knew that an art class could be so therapeutic!
One of the things that Dyan did was she talked about her "skeletons." I realized in that moment something really powerful. By naming the things that she thought people would judge her for, she took their power away. She put everything out there and in doing so she set herself free.
I'm working on setting myself free. I miss my mom. I will miss my mom everyday for the rest of my natural life. I am setting myself free from other people's expectations, from other people's judgement. My grief process will take as long as it takes. There will never be a time that I don't grieve my losses. The person that I was a year ago doesn't exist. There is no going back to who I was before. I have been irrevocably changed.
I really miss my mom today. I miss her smile, her hugs, her laughter and her hands. I have her hands. I miss the fact that she would have loved to see my art.
I've been in class for the last two days. I had the opportunity to take an art journaling class taught by the famous Dyan Reaveley. My mom would have loved to see the results of what I learned. Yesterday was the best part, in my opinion, of the two days of classes. Yesterday focused on journaling. I have been trying to break through a wall when it comes to journaling. I hesitate a lot when it comes to putting my thoughts and feelings down. I'm afraid of what people will think if they see what I wrote. Yesterday in class Dyan took a sledge hammer to that wall. It was incredible! Who knew that an art class could be so therapeutic!
One of the things that Dyan did was she talked about her "skeletons." I realized in that moment something really powerful. By naming the things that she thought people would judge her for, she took their power away. She put everything out there and in doing so she set herself free.
I'm working on setting myself free. I miss my mom. I will miss my mom everyday for the rest of my natural life. I am setting myself free from other people's expectations, from other people's judgement. My grief process will take as long as it takes. There will never be a time that I don't grieve my losses. The person that I was a year ago doesn't exist. There is no going back to who I was before. I have been irrevocably changed.
Mikey and mom - love that boy!
The first thing I gave her when I arrived
our hands
I miss you mom...
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Rock Bottom
The ground is hard and cold. There is no where left to go. That's the definition of rock bottom isn't it?
I am sitting here at the very bottom. Now what? I've been knocked down a lot in my life. Those who know me well know all that I've gone through. Those friends I mentioned know that I am a really stubborn and determined person. Knock me down, do so knowing I will get up. Till now. For the first time in my life I have questioned my ability to get back up. There are moments when I think about what I've lost and my chest hurts and it gets hard to breath.
When you get to this place there are very few yet finite things you can do.
You can:
1. Stay right where you are.
You can:
1. Stay right where you are.
2. You can move.
I chose to stay where I was for a few days. I cried. All of the disappointment, devastation, resentment, hurt, anger and hopelessness came out. It needed to. I did what is commonly called "ugly crying." That is what I did. I let my body express what my words could not
Then I started asking questions. I questioned my faith. I questioned the existence of God. I reached out a little. The really important thing to note here is I reached out to trustworthy people. I had in my bubble people who didn't have all the answers but they were honest. This collective group had great advice. Here is what I was given:
1. Let people pray for you the words that you can't.
2. Take the day you're in, a moment at a time. A breath at a time if you have to.
3. Take breaks and breathe.
4. Change your physical location - even if only for a little bit.
I'm starting to move a little bit. What does that look like? It looks like me investing in myself. I have given and given. There have been times where I have depleted myself for other people and that's ok. I don't resent all that I've given. But now it's time for me. I'm starting to refocus. It's a little blurry right now; but that's ok.
I've had a really hard time being thankful. I am going to choose to be more mindful of even the little things. In this moment I am thankful for having the opportunity to shoot the sunrise at 6:00a.m.! I am thankful for friends that love me any way. I am thankful for great advice! I'm thankful that I'm not stuck.
I'm starting to move a little bit. What does that look like? It looks like me investing in myself. I have given and given. There have been times where I have depleted myself for other people and that's ok. I don't resent all that I've given. But now it's time for me. I'm starting to refocus. It's a little blurry right now; but that's ok.
I've had a really hard time being thankful. I am going to choose to be more mindful of even the little things. In this moment I am thankful for having the opportunity to shoot the sunrise at 6:00a.m.! I am thankful for friends that love me any way. I am thankful for great advice! I'm thankful that I'm not stuck.
Sunrise - breath taking.
There it is! The sun cresting over the mountain!
Gorgeous Natalie!
Really cool farmer dude.
Love how comfortable he is with himself
Sunflowers!
Sunday, June 1, 2014
May was a rough month
I couldn't write. For the entire month of May I just couldn't write. It wasn't for a lack of words, feelings or happenings... I just couldn't sit down and make myself do it.
May 12th is my mothers birthday. On that date this year, my second son Kamal graduated from high school. May 11 this year was mother's day. See what I mean? A lot of losses. A lot to work through and I didn't want to do it.
I was told recently that I've hurt some people by my lack of attention to them. Sadly, at the moment I just don't care. I don't care about the petty goings on of people on the periphery of my life. Wow that wasn't very christian was it? Oops. Ok so there is more than a touch of sarcasm there. Honestly, "christian" or not it's the truth. I'm not saying I don't care about other people, I do. I just have a hard time caring about other people's reaction to what I'm going through. Since the divorce my life has been rough and I survived it. Remarriage to an active duty Airman, yeah that complicated my life but I dealt with it. Add physical challenges and a nasty custody battle, yup persevered through all of that. Not saying that I didn't cry, scream, vent or get depressed, I did all that but I survived.
Fast forward a few years and I lost my mom. I took care of her and watched her die. She took her last breaths in my arms. I was the last voice she heard. I chose that. I am SO thankful that I was able to be there, even now I wouldn't change it. The hard part is that losing my mother on top of everything else has changed me. I've been altered. I've said it before, this is a new normal, the old Dilshani just doesn't exist any more. The new me isn't as soft and so eager to please as I was before. The new me cares less about people's opinion. I'm more calloused than I used to be. I won't apologize for that, at least not now. Maybe at a later date, then again, maybe not. I don't know. The same person that told me that I've hurt some people also asked me why I am able to give grace to some people and not to others. I don't know if I can adequately explain, but I'm going to try. I have sustained some huge losses in my life. Up until the death of my mother I did my best to battle through all of it. Some "well intentioned" individuals have said some stupid things to me, and yet I buried my hurt and continued to try and appease those very people that hurt me. All this in the name of being a "christian." Here's the problem bury stuff long enough and you get resentful. Ok maybe you don't but I did. So then my mother died. When she died a lot of people expected a lot of me and I stepped up to the plate. I put my grieving on hold so that I could take care of my kids, my husband, my other family members. I kept saying that when I got back home I would grieve. When I got back to New Mexico my life didn't stop it kept going and I tried to juggle life and my loss. It didn't work too well. Something had to give. What gave was relationships that needed more than I had to give at the time. Sad as it may be, I am ok with it. You see the people that have stuck are the ones who understand this: right now I don't have a lot to give. Most days I am emotionally spent. I give what I can and then I'm done.
I often call Marcie my complaint department. She and I joke that I am allowed to give her phone number to those people who would like to complain about me and my lack of sensitivity to them. Marcie is one of my best friends. She had a baby a couple months back. She is one of my best friends and I wasn't there for her - she never held it against me. There were times that she needed to vent and I just wasn't around. She forgave me for that too. Laura S. we rarely get to talk anymore, just because life has got in the way, and yet if I text her she responds. The sister of my heart, Claudia, was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of stuff and she made the effort to ask me how I was doing and wanted the honest truth. Does this sound selfish? You are absolutely right it does. I am selfish. I am ok with that. The people closest too me are ok with that too.
There is no time limit on grief. There is no way to quantify how anyone deals with it. I'm not over my mom's death. There are days that feel like I'm moving on and there are days when I'm knocked on my ass. I do my very best to put on a good front. I do this because the average person that asks me how I'm doing, doesn't need to know the whole truth. If you ask me how I'm doing, and I say I'm hanging in here, that's honest.
I've said all this to say, if you're one of the people who's feelings got hurt because I didn't respond to you the way you expected - please lower your expectations of me. I have survived a lot and if I'm not as compassionate to your stuff - I'm sorry. I'm not perfect, I'm not a good "christian" and there are probably many that would say I'm not a good friend. I accept all of that. I'm sorry if anyone reading this feels as if they didn't get as much as they were expecting out of the relationship. I'm doing the best I can. I am hurting. I miss my mom, its not a crutch, its not an excuse - its my reality.
Kamal's graduation - bittersweet
Prayers that others have prayed
My precious mommy
Monday, April 21, 2014
Choices
I had the most incredible Easter! During the past week, I was acutely aware that Sunday was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Holding it together was my only aspiration.
I've mentioned in previous posts that I am studying the subject matter of "living in peace." As I put feet on this topic I'm discovering a lot about myself and my relationships. The key point for me surrounds the choices I make. My friend Cullen said to me, "...you choose whether or not you're going to accept the offense..." Simple statement, big impact, hard to practice. I have found out how hard it is not to hold on to hurt or wounds once they have been inflicted. It comes down to a choice. As my friend and accountability partner Larissa says to me, "...you have choose whether or not you value the relationship more than being right..." I'm choosing my relationships. Of course once I made the decision I had multiple opportunities to put it into practice, not fun. Not fun, but choosing to love the person and let go of "whatever" is oh so rewarding.
During this time God has been so faithful. You know, making the right decision regardless of your "feelings" will eventually force your feelings to follow suit. I get to choose how I feel.
I've said all that to say, I made a conscious choice last Saturday to implicitly trust God. It was so hard. When the kids got here I decided in my head that we were going to enjoy our time together. Period. I took so many pictures. We laughed so much. About midweek I discovered that Dan and Kamal would not be home on Sunday. It was Easter and the kiddos had and early return flight! It took me about a day or so to wrap my head around the fact that I would not have any of my blood family with me on this holiday. This Easter is my first without my mom. There it is again - loss. I was faced with a choice. Focus on what I didn't have or choose to have a good day. I chose the latter. I chose to focus on all the good, and then God blessed me so abundantly!
First, my friend Theresa-Sherrell woke up at 4:30a.m. to drive the kids and I to the airport! Did I mention it was 4 dark thirty in the morning? She made a trip that was already filled with anxiety and sadness for me so much fun. She had the kids and I laughing the entire time! Blessed! Despite it not being her regular church T graciously drove and attended service at my church with me. While I was getting dressed I got a flower delivery. On Easter Sunday, I got a flower delivery?! My Dad, son Michael, sister Rini and brother Dave had sent me a hydrangea plant. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Another blessing. While at church my husband texts me to say that he won't be at the hospital as long as he thought and he would be home for lunch. Easter is turning out well. The icing on my cake was having my friend Jamin in town and having him over. We laughed, oh how we laughed! We sang (I was introduced to Betty Who - love it!) and had fantastic conversation. Then my friend Mel joined us bringing her amazing turtle cheesecake with her for a Twilight marathon (don't judge). So blessed!
I made the choice to find the good. I was determined to trust God and know that Easter was going to be good. Was it hard? Absolutely! Watching my kids board a plane is never easy. Missing my mom is a daily struggle and some days are just harder than others. Despite these tangible losses I had a fantastic Easter. I chose to focus on what God has given me and the good I do have and He blessed me with so much more! My heart is full!
I've mentioned in previous posts that I am studying the subject matter of "living in peace." As I put feet on this topic I'm discovering a lot about myself and my relationships. The key point for me surrounds the choices I make. My friend Cullen said to me, "...you choose whether or not you're going to accept the offense..." Simple statement, big impact, hard to practice. I have found out how hard it is not to hold on to hurt or wounds once they have been inflicted. It comes down to a choice. As my friend and accountability partner Larissa says to me, "...you have choose whether or not you value the relationship more than being right..." I'm choosing my relationships. Of course once I made the decision I had multiple opportunities to put it into practice, not fun. Not fun, but choosing to love the person and let go of "whatever" is oh so rewarding.
During this time God has been so faithful. You know, making the right decision regardless of your "feelings" will eventually force your feelings to follow suit. I get to choose how I feel.
I've said all that to say, I made a conscious choice last Saturday to implicitly trust God. It was so hard. When the kids got here I decided in my head that we were going to enjoy our time together. Period. I took so many pictures. We laughed so much. About midweek I discovered that Dan and Kamal would not be home on Sunday. It was Easter and the kiddos had and early return flight! It took me about a day or so to wrap my head around the fact that I would not have any of my blood family with me on this holiday. This Easter is my first without my mom. There it is again - loss. I was faced with a choice. Focus on what I didn't have or choose to have a good day. I chose the latter. I chose to focus on all the good, and then God blessed me so abundantly!
First, my friend Theresa-Sherrell woke up at 4:30a.m. to drive the kids and I to the airport! Did I mention it was 4 dark thirty in the morning? She made a trip that was already filled with anxiety and sadness for me so much fun. She had the kids and I laughing the entire time! Blessed! Despite it not being her regular church T graciously drove and attended service at my church with me. While I was getting dressed I got a flower delivery. On Easter Sunday, I got a flower delivery?! My Dad, son Michael, sister Rini and brother Dave had sent me a hydrangea plant. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Another blessing. While at church my husband texts me to say that he won't be at the hospital as long as he thought and he would be home for lunch. Easter is turning out well. The icing on my cake was having my friend Jamin in town and having him over. We laughed, oh how we laughed! We sang (I was introduced to Betty Who - love it!) and had fantastic conversation. Then my friend Mel joined us bringing her amazing turtle cheesecake with her for a Twilight marathon (don't judge). So blessed!
I made the choice to find the good. I was determined to trust God and know that Easter was going to be good. Was it hard? Absolutely! Watching my kids board a plane is never easy. Missing my mom is a daily struggle and some days are just harder than others. Despite these tangible losses I had a fantastic Easter. I chose to focus on what God has given me and the good I do have and He blessed me with so much more! My heart is full!
The photo says it all!
Some of my loves...
The family that's in town...
The family that's in town...
My flowers!
Yummy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)