A year ago...

A year ago I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea that I would enter a battle already lost. I had no idea that I would lose my mom. I had no idea how strong I could be.

I really miss my mom today. I miss her smile, her hugs, her laughter and her hands. I have her hands. I miss the fact that she would have loved to see my art.

I've been in class for the last two days. I had the opportunity to take an art journaling class taught by the famous Dyan Reaveley. My mom would have loved to see the results of what I learned. Yesterday was the best part, in my opinion, of the two days of classes. Yesterday focused on journaling. I have been trying to break through a wall when it comes to journaling. I hesitate a lot when it comes to putting my thoughts and feelings down. I'm afraid of what people will think if they see what I wrote. Yesterday in class Dyan took a sledge hammer to that wall. It was incredible! Who knew that an art class could be so therapeutic!

One of the things that Dyan did was she talked about her "skeletons." I realized in that moment something really powerful. By naming the things that she thought people would judge her for, she took their power away. She put everything out there and in doing so she set herself free.

I'm working on setting myself free. I miss my mom. I will miss my mom everyday for the rest of my natural life. I am setting myself free from other people's expectations, from other people's judgement. My grief process will take as long as it takes.  There will never be a time that I don't grieve my losses. The person that I was a year ago doesn't exist. There is no going back to who I was before. I have been irrevocably changed.

Mikey and mom - love that boy!

The first thing I gave her when I arrived

our hands

I miss you mom...

Rock Bottom

The ground is hard and cold. There is no where left to go. That's the definition of rock bottom isn't it?

I am sitting here at the very bottom. Now what? I've been knocked down a lot in my life. Those who know me well know all that I've gone through. Those friends I mentioned know that I am a really stubborn and determined person. Knock me down, do so knowing I will get up. Till now. For the first time in my life I have questioned my ability to get back up.  There are moments when I think about what I've lost and my chest hurts and it gets hard to breath. 

When you get to this place there are very few yet finite things you can do.
You can:
1. Stay right where you are. 

2. You can move. 

I chose to stay where I was for a few days. I cried. All of the disappointment, devastation, resentment, hurt, anger and hopelessness came out. It needed to. I did what is commonly called "ugly crying." That is what I did. I let my body express what my words could not

Then I started asking questions. I questioned my faith. I questioned the existence of God. I reached out a little. The really important thing to note here is I reached out to trustworthy people. I had in my bubble people who didn't have all the answers but they were honest. This collective group had great advice. Here is what I was given:

1. Let people pray for you the words that you can't. 

2. Take the day you're in, a moment at a time. A breath at a time if you have to.

3. Take breaks and breathe.

4. Change your physical location - even if only for a little bit.

I'm starting to move a little bit.  What does that look like? It looks like me investing in myself.  I have given and given. There have been times where I have depleted myself for other people and that's ok. I don't resent all that I've given. But now it's time for me. I'm starting to refocus. It's a little blurry right now; but that's ok.

I've had a really hard time being thankful. I am going to choose to be more mindful of even the little things.  In this moment I am thankful for having the opportunity to shoot the sunrise at 6:00a.m.! I am thankful for friends that love me any way. I am thankful for great advice! I'm thankful that I'm not stuck.

Sunrise - breath taking.

There it is! The sun cresting over the mountain!

Gorgeous Natalie! 

Really cool farmer dude.

Love how comfortable he is with himself

Sunflowers!

May was a rough month

I couldn't write. For the entire month of May I just couldn't write.  It wasn't for a lack of words, feelings or happenings... I just couldn't sit down and make myself do it.

May 12th is my mothers birthday. On that date this year, my second son Kamal graduated from high school.  May 11 this year was mother's day.  See what I mean? A lot of losses. A lot to work through and I didn't want to do it.

I was told recently that I've hurt some people by my lack of attention to them.  Sadly, at the moment I just don't care. I don't care about the petty goings on of people on the periphery of my life.  Wow that wasn't very christian was it? Oops. Ok so there is more than a touch of sarcasm there.  Honestly, "christian" or not it's the truth.  I'm not saying I don't care about other people, I do.  I just have a hard time caring about other people's reaction to what I'm going through. Since the divorce my life has been rough and I survived it.  Remarriage to an active duty Airman, yeah that complicated my life but I dealt with it.  Add physical challenges and a nasty custody battle, yup persevered through all of that.      Not saying that I didn't cry, scream, vent or get depressed, I did all that but I survived. 

Fast forward a few years and I lost my mom.  I took care of her and watched her die.  She took her last breaths in my arms.  I was the last voice she heard.  I chose that.  I am SO thankful that I was able to be there, even now I wouldn't change it.  The hard part is that losing my mother on top of everything else has changed me. I've been altered.  I've said it before, this is a new normal, the old Dilshani just doesn't exist any more.  The new me isn't as soft and so eager to please as I was before.  The new me cares less about people's opinion.  I'm more calloused than I used to be.  I won't apologize for that, at least not now.  Maybe at a later date, then again, maybe not. I don't know.  The same person that told me that I've hurt some people also asked me why I am able to give grace to some people and not to others.  I don't know if I can adequately explain, but I'm going to try. I have sustained some huge losses in my life.  Up until the death of my mother I did my best to battle through all of it.  Some "well intentioned" individuals have said some stupid things to me, and yet I buried my hurt and continued to try and appease those very people that hurt me.  All this in the name of being a "christian." Here's the problem bury stuff long enough and you get resentful. Ok maybe you don't but I did.  So then my mother died. When she died a lot of people expected a lot of me and I stepped up to the plate. I put my grieving on hold so that I could take care of my kids, my husband, my other family members.  I kept saying that when I got back home I would grieve.  When I got back to New Mexico my life didn't stop it kept going and I tried to juggle life and my loss.  It didn't work too well. Something had to give. What gave was relationships that needed more than I had to give at the time.  Sad as it may be, I am ok with it.  You see the people that have stuck are the ones who understand this: right now I don't have a lot to give. Most days I am emotionally spent. I give what I can and then I'm done. 

I often call Marcie my complaint department.  She and I joke that I am allowed to give her phone number to those people who would like to complain about me and my lack of sensitivity to them.  Marcie is one of my best friends.  She had a baby a couple months back. She is one of my best friends and I wasn't there for her - she never held it against me.  There were times that she needed to vent and I just wasn't around.  She forgave me for that too. Laura S. we rarely get to talk anymore, just because life has got in the way, and yet if I text her she responds. The sister of my heart, Claudia, was in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of stuff and she made the effort to ask me how I was doing and wanted the honest truth. Does this sound selfish? You are absolutely right it does. I am selfish. I am ok with that.  The people closest too me are ok with that too.

There is no time limit on grief.  There is no way to quantify how anyone deals with it. I'm not over my mom's death. There are days that feel like I'm moving on and there are days when I'm knocked on my ass.  I do my very best to put on a good front. I do this because the average person that asks me how I'm doing, doesn't need to know the whole truth.  If you ask me how I'm doing, and I say I'm hanging in here, that's honest.

I've said all this to say, if you're one of the people who's feelings got hurt because I didn't respond to you the way you expected - please lower your expectations of me.  I have survived a lot and if I'm not as compassionate to your stuff - I'm sorry. I'm not perfect, I'm not a good "christian" and there are probably many that would say I'm not a good friend. I accept all of that. I'm sorry if anyone reading this feels as if they didn't get as much as they were expecting out of the relationship. I'm doing the best I can. I am hurting. I miss my mom, its not a crutch, its not an excuse - its my reality.

Kamal's graduation - bittersweet

   Prayers that others have prayed

My precious mommy

Choices

I had the most incredible Easter! During the past week, I was acutely aware that Sunday was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Holding it together was my only aspiration.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I am studying the subject matter of "living in peace." As I put feet on this topic I'm discovering a lot about myself and my relationships.  The key point for me surrounds the choices I make.  My friend Cullen said to me, "...you choose whether or not you're going to accept the offense..." Simple statement, big impact, hard to practice.  I have found out how hard it is not to hold on to hurt or wounds once they have been inflicted.  It comes down to a choice. As my friend and accountability partner Larissa says to me, "...you have choose whether or not you value the relationship more than being right..." I'm choosing my relationships. Of course once I made the decision I had multiple opportunities to put it into practice, not fun. Not fun, but choosing to love the person and let go of "whatever" is oh so rewarding.

During this time God has been so faithful. You know, making the right decision regardless of your "feelings" will eventually force your feelings to follow suit. I get to choose how I feel.

I've said all that to say, I made a conscious choice last Saturday to implicitly trust God. It was so hard. When the kids got here I decided in my head that we were going to enjoy our time together. Period. I took so many pictures. We laughed so much. About midweek I discovered that Dan and Kamal would not be home on Sunday. It was Easter and the kiddos had and early return flight! It took me about a day or so to wrap my head around the fact that I would not have any of my blood family with me on this holiday. This Easter is my first without my mom. There it is again - loss. I was faced with a choice. Focus on what I didn't have or choose to have a good day. I chose the latter. I chose to focus on all the good, and then God blessed me so abundantly!

First, my friend Theresa-Sherrell woke up at 4:30a.m. to drive the kids and I to the airport! Did I mention it was 4 dark thirty in the morning? She made a trip that was already filled with anxiety and sadness for me so much fun. She had the kids and I laughing the entire time! Blessed! Despite it not being her regular church T graciously drove and attended service at my church with me. While I was getting dressed I got a flower delivery. On Easter Sunday, I got a flower delivery?! My Dad, son Michael, sister Rini and brother Dave had sent me a hydrangea plant. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Another blessing. While at church my husband texts me to say that he won't be at the hospital as long as he thought and he would be home for lunch. Easter is turning out well. The icing on my cake was having my friend Jamin in town and having him over. We laughed, oh how we laughed! We sang (I was introduced to Betty Who - love it!) and had fantastic conversation. Then my friend Mel joined us bringing her amazing turtle cheesecake with her for a Twilight marathon (don't judge). So blessed!

I made the choice to find the good. I was determined to trust God and know that Easter was going to be good. Was it hard? Absolutely! Watching my kids board a plane is never easy. Missing my mom is a daily struggle and some days are just harder than others. Despite these tangible losses I had a fantastic Easter. I chose to focus on what God has given me and the good I do have and He blessed me with so much more! My heart is full!

The photo says it all!

Some of my loves...

The family that's in town...

My flowers!

Yummy!

Getting Up Slowly

The sensation I'm experiences feels like I'm falling slowly.  Grief is weird you know?  Maybe you don't...You get stuck in this window of time and expect to move at the same rate and it doesn't. Life moves a lot faster than I'm ready for.  I'm not ready for everything; however, I am ready to take little steps.

One of those things I'm working on is living in a state of peace.  Up until recently I had a real misconception of what "living in Peace" meant.  Peace isn't the absence of pain, loss, or emotions.  Peace isn't turning a blind eye to the offenses received from other people and situations.  I've learned this week that in order to live in peace you have to begin by changing your mindset.  Feelings are valid. Refusing to acknowledge them only breeds resentment.  Being offended however is a choice.  I've been hurt many times over by family and non-family.  This situation isn't unique to me.  Allowing myself the freedom to feel the feeling and acknowledging it perfectly fine, what I do as a result of that feeling that I have to guard against.  For example, I learned from my friend Cullen recently that, "Taking offense is a choice." That was hard to hear.  When someone hurts me, my first inclination is to defend myself or shut the person out entirely.  That isn't what God teaches us.  I choose, I am in control of whether or not I'm going to be offended. Ever since I made the conscious effort to walk and live in peace the challenges to that mindset hit.  For me to live this way requires that I believe that God is fundamentally good and trustworthy. During this particular exercise I didn't fully believe in either sentiment.  I learned that peace isn't results oriented.  Peace is a state of being and living that I'm in control of. I choose whether or not to take offense and hold on to it.  Living in peace isn't easy! It is NOT a quick fix. Its a new mind/life behavior.

In regards to my mom this means that it is completely acceptable for me to empty myself of tears if that is how I'm feeling at the moment.  It means that I begin to accept the loss.  It means that when I miss my kids I cry and let it out.  Tears are cleansing.  Some times our souls need a means letting the emotions go.  After that is when I have to be careful.  After the weeping is when I have to guard my heart against the thoughts that come at me.  I was not in control of when my mom or baby Ameilia were taken from me.  I was not in control of what had been done to me in court.  Not being in control doesn't explain it, nor does it justify what transpired.  It is just a reminder of what things I am to take ownership of.

I choose to acknowledge how something has made me feel,  If necessary I cry and get angry.  After the emotions have been diffused I choose not to carry the offense with me. I hope that makes sense. I'm not perfect at this technique, but I will say life is becoming smoother.

This weekend is hard. My kids return to the company of their father early on Easter Sunday morning. My husband has to work at the hospital and my son forgetting it was Easter is also working.  I was pretty hurt about it yesterday. I took that hurt, held it and walked around with it.  Didn't necessarily make it enjoyable for me. I realized two things. There will always be times that I will be alone when I didn't anticipate it. Knowing that means I can prepare for it in the future.  The kids leaving tomorrow means that they are here for today! My mom loved any excuse to cook, so I bake. I can almost hear her voice in my head as I put my hands in the bread to knead it.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation" 1 Peter 5:10 NLT.

 Gorgeous flowers - Hyacinth I believe

Some of my family

Baking cinnamon rolls - my mom's recipe

The ability to paint, another gift from my mom. 

This is not the life I imagined...

This is not where I thought I'd be by now. Ever have that thought?  That thought has been in the fore front of my mind today.

Isn't it funny how easy it is for something trivial like an article or an email from someone no longer in our life to knock one off of the sometimes precarious ledge we sit on? As is now common knowledge for those who read this blog frequently, I have been hit with a lot in months past.  This week I have started to work towards coming to peace with things. I am striving towards moving in a forward direction without losing sight of what is dear to me.

On Tuesday, I received an email from the ex-husband regarding my youngest two children's visitation.  That was the nudge that started the unbalancing act.  My divorce was quick and painless in comparison to the custodial battle that has raged for seven plus years. Seven years of my life, my children's lives, my husband's life and yes the ex's life too.  We have spent seven years and thousands of dollars gridlocked.  In the end he won a pretty big battle last year and to say that I have felt defeated is an understatement.  I told some one that I actually felt broken.  I cried and asked how much is enough.  I begged for an answer. Although calmer now, I still want to know how much suffering is enough?  What if there isn't a limit? That's a scary thought.  From my vantage point I don't think there is a limit. That's an even scarier thought.  I am not so naive as to believe that I have no fault in the divorce or the gridlock that I'm in.  I take responsibility for my involvement.

Involvement.  Now there is an interesting word.  What does it mean exactly?  According to dictionary.com one of the meanings is: "to include as a necessary circumstance..."  I have included the circumstances of the custody battle as a necessary circumstance in my life.  Necessary circumstance - that's pretty weighty.  I have been embroiled in a situation that in my mind was vital to my life.  My children were involved so of course it was vital; however, to be so engaged in it to the exclusion of the growth of my personhood...hmm that wasn't what I had planned.  So now what?

It's time to move forward.  I don't know exactly what that looks like yet. I have been judging myself by the losses in court and I can't do that anymore.  I will always fight for my children but I won't define myself by what happens in court.

The life I'm living now is certainly not one that I would have imagined for myself.  It is however the life that God has allowed me to live. There are days where I feel as if I might break, but I won't.

I am thankful for:

Dan's safe return from what would be his last deployment.

Taking Jake & Mel's pre-deployment photos

The talent God has given me for photography

Thirteen years ago....

Thirteen years ago today at around 2 in the afternoon with my mom at my side I delivered a baby girl at home.  She was born still.  This is a aspect of my life that I have not shared openly before now.  There are very few people in my life (family even) that knew I suffered a loss like this.  Her father and I named her Ameilia.  Sometimes I see her when I sleep. I imagine her regularly.  Today and days past I have wept for all the days that would've been. I cry for my daughter Anika who didn't get to have a big sister here on earth.

I try not to focus on death and loss.  Sadly this is a road that I have been allowed to traverse and loss is an intimate partner in my walk theses days.  Today, Claudia came and spent the day with me.  We didn't talk about Ameilia today we just hung out.  Claudia has been a gift that I am SO glad to have been given.  I'm sad that we share so many things. I'm sorry that she has suffered in some of the same ways that I have. I wish she could've been spared loss.  Her losses have given her an understanding of how to treat someone like me. For that I am grateful.

Someone like me is someone who is raw around the edges.  I'm sensitive. I'm more withdrawn than I used to be. Someone like me needs understanding. I need to cry a lot. I need to sleep a lot. Sometimes I need to just talk a lot about what I've lost. When someone in your life goes through a hard season in their life, try to be like Claudia.  Here are some of what she has done for me:

1. She has had no expectations of me. I am allowed to just be me.  Even on the worst days she has not tried to make me "see the good..."

2. She has let me cry ~ repeatedly.

3. She has just been there. Today she sat here knit, laughed, watched movies and was just here.

These are just a few of the things my dear friend and sister has done for me.  But these are the things that those of you who are not her can easily replicate.

One of the things that she has never done is try to force me to be grateful for all the good things.  I'm aware of the good things in my life.  I don't need to be reminded of what I do have.  I have needed, and sometimes still need, the room to grieve what I have lost.  The people that I have allowed to be close to me at this time know one key thing, I'm not going to get stuck here.  I'm not going to live in this space forever.  These precious people know that, so therefore, they aren't trying to force me out of where I am.  I understand that people are well meaning.  I get it that death, loss and tragic life events make people uncomfortable.  If you're uncomfortable then don't say anything.

Couple things I have to get off my chest...I don't live under a black cloud! God isn't punishing me! If you feel otherwise then go unfriend me on Facebook or something. Sometimes really bad things happen in succession. I can't help the fact that my daughter died before she was born. I can't help the fact that my mom died. My custodial situation is a nightmare and my health has taken a beating. I have become less and less communicative because of how offended some people have become at my life circumstances.  Did I mention that it is my life and not theirs that has been negatively impacted? Anyway, I digress...

In the midst of all of this, there have been some really really good things I have been blessed with. Despite my lack of communication people have stepped in and provided meals, books to read and much needed company. I have made new friends and have let some people go. I have had the opportunity to read a few awesome books. My relationship with God is growing in a way that I didn't think was possible. I am developing a greater understanding of the difference between justice and fairness.  I have been knitting - a lot.

In closing I would like to say, my life has been painful and difficult; however, in the midst of it I am even more keenly aware that God hasn't let go of me.  I feel as if I'm being rubbed so very thin, but maybe that's the point. Just like Claudia's losses make her sensitive and gracious to me, hopefully my life will make me more gracious to all those I meet.

Here are some of the things that have made me smile and reminded me of God's goodness...

FANTASTIC book. 

Presents in the mail!

Smart boy!