Facing today

Sometimes making your mind up is half the battle.  I have chosen to make certain small decisions every day.  These activities are my goal posts.  I attempt to complete these two tasks every day, the rest is icing.

I know that two tasks seems so very simple.  In my current mind set, two tasks seems insurmountable some days.  I'm in this place and time where I have to take conscious care of myself. I have to do or not do the things where the end result is caring for myself.  One of the things that I have been able to accomplish every day is making my bed. My husband Dan will tell you that I have too many pillows on my bed. Well.... I make the bed with a lot of pillows anyway.  Making my bed has so many benefits.  The first one is that I feel this tangible connection and attachment to my mom in the process.  My mom loved to make the bed. She made her bed beautifully and so do I.  Another thing is that my friend Holly is the reason I have this gorgeous bed spread and accent pillows.  Holly is my friend that I run away to.  She is a safe place for me.  Seeing my bed reminds me that Holly exists and is only a phone call away.

The second goal post for the day is finishing a school related task every day.  This is the task that is at times insurmountable. I keep telling myself that I've come this far, I can't quit now.  The problem is that quitting seems so easy.  We will come back to that.

I have this friend in my life, his name is Michael. I've known him for about 20 years.  He was my small group leader at one time.  Michael is just my big brother.  I trust his take on scripture. I accept the words coming out of his mouth as truth. Michael is blunt. Sometimes blunt is needed even if not desired. The content of our last conversation was blunt, necessary and undesired. The bottom line of the conversation came down to context. I was challenged to look at the context of what I am dealing with.

So, what am I dealing with? I am dealing with an enemy that seeks to destroy me, and I don't just mean the spiritual one. I have a real life one.  I can't do anything about him. I can't change who he is, I can't change the results of decisions I made ages ago. While his actions do have an impact in my life, I need to look at those behaviors in context.  Realistically, aside from my emotions, is anyone being directly harmed? No.  Do I have the power to change the fact that he has been given the power to take and use what is so very dear to me? No.  What I do have power over is how I respond and react to what he is doing.  That for me is the difficulty, the rub.  I weep over what I have lost.  I weep over what I perceive as never coming to pass.  My friend Tammy reminds me regularly that while the kids are alive and walking around there is hope. Hope is in so very short supply right now.

I cut my hair. In that moment, I had control over that one decision and I took it.  I think it looks good. Yesterday, I cried. I wept. I missed my mom's lap. I wanted to put my head in her lap and feel the warmth of her hands on my head as I wept.  I loosed the ties around my heart and felt for those moments in time the pain and grief that I had been holding back so tightly.  This hurts. I want to skip this part. I don't want to feel and experience the pain.  There isn't any way through this. There is no relief route.  The road I'm on goes straight through.  What does that look like?

This road is long. From my vantage point I can't gauge it's distance.  In reality every day for the forceable future will hurt.  I can attempt to wall away my soul so as not to experience the pain so acutely. If I chose to do so, what am I teaching my children? For today I will stand on this road. I will take one step and put it in front of another and go as far as I can, and then I will take a break.  I will be honest about how I feel. I will acknowledge the pain and I will develop daily markers to gauge forward progression.  I will deal with today. My mom used to say, not to borrow trouble... I will do my very best.  I will carry on today.

Today, I will be strong. Today, I will make my bed. I will cherish my children. I will look in their faces and mannerisms and see my mom.  If necessary, I will cry.  I will not focus on what is coming.  I will work at being ok for today.

I'm aiming...

This is what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like to me.

a flower that defied the cold and bloomed anyway

A moment in time with my son Nate